Junjou Therapy
by SlythClover
Summary: CHAP 3 AND 7 UPDATED ! (mostly Egoist but also bits of Romantica/Terrorist) After moving out from their previous home, Nowaki and Hiroki do their best to get along together. After all, it's already been more than four years... But Hiroki thinks too much and Nowaki tries too hard...Until he suggests that they go into couples therapy. W...Wait, couples therapy ? Please review !
1. Chapter 1 : The alarm-clock

_**Hello fellows readers and writers !**_

_**A big thank to my pen friend Druidsorcerer **who helps me so much by supporting me and correcting the English version as a Beta-Reader :-). _

_**This fanfic is dedicated to you and all the readers who encourage me to write more !**_

_**This will be a several chapters story. Be sure I'll write it until its end. **I'll do my best to update as regularly as possible (at least once a month, at most once a week) but because of my studies abroad and the non-assurance of a good internet connection I prefer to warn you in advance about that. I know how frustrating it is to wait for an update, so again, I'll do my best !_

_**No synopsis, **I wish to surprise you, as Nowaki says ;-)_

_**Disclaimer : **guess what, I don't own Junjou Romantica :P_

_**Review : **yes, OH YES ! More seriously, there are very important for the writers, they help to improve the style and the story from a fanfic to another, they __encourage, give inspiration..__. Plus, be sure I'll send a reply to each of you._

_**That's it ! Hope you'll enjoy !**_

**Chapter 1 : the alarm-clock**

Bibip, bibip, bibip, bibip...

"Mmmh...w...what...?"

Bibibibip, bibibibip, bibibibip, bibibibip...

"Oh yeah, I'm coming..."

Bibibibibibibibibibibibibibi bib...

"I SAID, I'M COMING !"

Damned alarm-clock.

Nowaki rushes into the room, obviously shaken.

"Hiro-san, are you alright ?"

"Yeah, that's just this % #$_! alarm-cl..."

Errr...

It is no more on the table. I suddenly understand that it was not me yelling that made Nowaki rush inside.

It was me smashing the alarm-clock against the wall. I was so angry that I wasn't even aware of it.

Geez. The third in one week and it is only Wednesday.

Nowaki and I religiously keep watching the broken pieces which have just spread over the floor. I am way too much embarrassed to speak. As for Nowaki, I guess that he just doesn't know what to say.

"No...Nowaki...Errr, sorry. I'll buy another one tonight."

"No use. From now on, I will wake you up, ok ?" A smiling Nowaki answered.

"But...If I go crazy..."

"You're kidding, right? Plus, I'll do it in such a way you won't even realize it, Hiro-san."

He is getting closer while speaking. He lays flush against me, his breath sweeping my skin from my neck to my forehead, barely skimming my lips, his big warm hands stroking my hair.

"Good morning, Hiro-san...Here, much better, isn't it ?"

"You fool". I look away to hide my sudden blushing and clench my teeth to prevent my face from expressing any pleasure from his sweetness.

"Stop it, will you! We have no time, I'm gonna be late !"

Without moving or speaking, Nowaki is still watching me with this typical silly and affectionate smile which unnerves me so much. I push him to take my clothes. He bursts out laughing at my gloomy face and goes back to the kitchen.

"I love when you're acting like this." It means. Tsss. So stressful.

Still, I have to do something. I can't go on smashing alarm-clocks day after day. To give me some time to recover, I quickly sweep the remaining pieces of my victim, then hurry into the kitchen to have breakfast with Nowaki. Geez, it's awesome. I don't know where he has learnt to do this, since he has grown up in an orphanage, but he cooks like heaven. My colleague, Miyagi, who keeps teasing me, makes more comments than ever each time I open my bentô, probably because he is envious. He looks like he is involved with someone too, but he never brings any home-made bentô for lunch.

Nowaki watches me eating in silence, picking his chopsticks up. After a while, of course, I begin to feel awkward. And with me, any emotion, either bad or good, easily turns into...

"What are you looking at? That's embarrassing!"

... into stress.

Here I go again.

"Hiro-san, I am worried about you."

"Come on, there's no reason."

Lies.

"Since we moved in last week-end, you're even more susceptible than usual."

I almost snap back something to him, but I swallow the words as they reach my throat... After all, that's a fact. I perfectly know who I am.

A teacher who throws stuff at his students when they are not listening and who answers coldly to his colleagues, which got me the nickname of "demon" at Mistuhashi university. A silent lover who systematically steps away from sweet moves and who retreats right after having attempting anything himself.

Just like that time. I had sent flowers to Nowaki to congratulate him for his success in the preliminary tests to join the university. As soon as he rushed into the room, glowing with happiness, flowers spreading over his arms, I snapped without even looking: "You fool, you have only managed to be admitted to the official competitive exams, no point making such a fuss, from now on you'll be...".

Luckily enough, he hadn't listened to anything I said and muffled everything else with a passionate hug.

And nothing has changed ever since. Most of the time, Nowaki doesn't take my sharpness seriously because he understands that my eyebrows, which get me most of Miyagi's teasing, are only frowned to hide my feelings and embarrassment. Indeed, he is the only one who understands me. I'd like to know why. We've been living together for over four years, and yet there are still many things I'd like to know about Nowaki.

However, trying my best to hide my feelings, I can barely see myself asking him private questions. Nowaki being my lover has nothing to do with the embarrassment I feel towards him.

And speaking about him, Nowaki is also able to take radical measures in a lightening without a second thought to tell me first, for reasons which are completely different from the ones I can suppose myself.

That's how he decided to study for a year in the United States. He didn't know how to tell me, thus he told me...nothing. More precisely, he keeps saying that he told me and that I wasn't listening, so I let him get away with it. Anyway, whether he told me or not, once he went abroad, there was no more news. I got more and more depressed through the whole year because of that; I was so sure that he had dumped me for a sexy American woman...So, I tried to break up when he came back, but he finally convinced me, not only to stay with him, but also to let him live with me. At last, while we were opening his boxes to make everything fit in my flat, I discovered in his stuff, a bunch of letters he had written in the United States and had never dared to send to me.

As a consequence, communication between us is ridiculously complicated. We don't manage to get on the same wavelength.

Our last move into this new apartment is just one more proof of how awkward we both are. Nowaki had been living with me for many years when he decided to find a new apartment which would be bigger and closer to our workplaces at the same time. Such a decision is both reasonable and pragmatical. Although...he had decided it on his own...and did it all by himself. For the second time, he had taken a decision which concerned us both, all alone. After having accidentally put my hands on a fax message about the last flat he had visited, I had believed he wanted to dump me for one of his colleagues. It led us to a new tantrum and to a new jealousy crisis, before he explained everything to me and that he had just wanted to make it a surprise.

A surprise...How on earth can you make it a _surprise _to someone, by hiding from him that he will have to move out? For god's sake!

All in all, the misunderstanding has been cleared out and here we are, in this three room flat, including a big kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom for two. We've been here for three days. We could even have a pet if we wanted to.

I hurry putting on my coat while Nowaki washes the bowls.

"I'm going, see you later!"

As I am running to the corridor...

"HIRO-SAAAAAAAAN"

...I barely prevent myself from crashing down the stairs and turn back, ready to burst out.

"You've almost killed me, you b..."

"Your bag, Hiro-san. You have just forgotten it."

"Oh...oh, yeah...Thanks."

As I put my hands up to take it, Nowaki seizes them and pulls me against him to kiss. At the front door. He's mad ! We could be seen !

"Have a good day, Hiro-san."

I arrive at the university drenched in sweat, just in time, before the students rush to the course.

"Well, well, Kamijou, did you have a hard time waking up this morning ?"

"Errr..sort of."

Miyagi glances at me, as teasing and relaxed as usual, sheets of paper in one hand, coffee in the other, cigarette between the lips, his chin hardly shaved, the collar of his white shirt slightly opened. Cool attitude, in person.

He is getting on my nerves, I know what he is waiting for. Reluctantly, to calm down my stomach, I finally open my bag and put out the bentô that Nowaki always cooks, without me even asking.

"Ooooooooh, the bride is at her best today!" he claims at once, gliding to me with his rolling chair.

"You...Miyagi-sensei!" I am so embarassed I can't even tell him to mind his own business.

It's a fact; today's bentô is a masterpiece. It includes three parts : a summer saucy salad with fresh products, takoyaki balls and perfumed rice with a red Umeboshi plum.

Nowaki...you're trying so hard to make me feel better...and what do you get from me? A stolen kiss at the front door.

My feelings must be somehow written on my face, because a smiling Miyagi is gazing at me in silence. This time, he gets me really angry.

"Mind your own business, for God's sake !"

"But you are sooooooooooo cute, I am just happy everything goes well between you two."

You can tell. He said that just after he tried to kiss me too, when I thought I was dumped by Nowaki, a few of years ago. Nowaki had just greeted him with his right fist from rage and jealousy. Before Miyagi did such a thing to me, I was convinced his teasing came from my homosexuality, but in fact...

Hey, since he is even more intrusive than usual, let's tease him back, for a change.

"Let's talk about you and this student of yours. Do you feel like you can bother me any longer?"

A dark cloud suddenly appears over Myagi's head. Without a word, he puts something out of his own bag. A bentô.

"I don't believe this, your boyfriend cooks for you and you never eat it?"

"Shhhh, if ever he went by, he could hear you".

"Still..." My reply turns into silence while Miyagi is opening the box.

Cabbage and rice. As much rice as cabbage. A delicate smell of alcohol and burn fills the office.

"Ouch, got it...I'm sorry."

"He is very enthusiastic but he lacks practice a little", comments lightly the teacher. "When we're home, I do my best, but at lunch, I allow myself a little break in the store next door!".

After this, he packs the bentô back and walks away at his dynamic pace.

"Enjoy your meal, Hiro-kun."

When I come home from the university in the evening, Nowaki is not there. I'm not surprised, his timetable at the hospital is pretty irregular these days. I buy some food in the conbini and prepare something for him.

I fall asleep before he arrives.

xxxxxxxx

"Good morning, Hiro-san."

My alarm-clock lays against me, his breath in my neck and my ears. His warmth is so comforting that I find myself unable to get angry. He rises a bit more to kiss me.

"Why were you so late last night?"

"Was my bentô to you liking?"

"Hey, don't avoid the question! But yeah, it was great."

"Good then." I feel the bed squirming when Nowaki stands up.

"Nowaki, where were you last night?"

"Can't you tell? At the hospital of course. You know how it is these times." He answers from the kitchen.

I stay in bed a bit longer, thinking. If he was at the hospital, why didn't he tell me at once? But I must be worrying too much. If only we had more time for us, I am sure we would get along better and better.

I stand up and go to the kitchen, ready for a new day to come, and this time, without having broken any alarm-clock.

xxxxxxx

Days pass without any peculiar incident. Nowaki's idea to replace the clock is great. Although, I feel more and more embarrassed that he is always the one who comes with innovative and original ideas to strengthen our love, to preserve some moments of intimacy, despite the lack of time we can share together.

Even though he is a bit too original to my liking sometimes...One day, he may be able to adopt pets he has just found in the streets. Or much later...During a horrific moment, I scare myself with a vision of Nowaki rushing home, holding one baby in his arm, an older child by the other hand, saying : "I just wanted to surprise you, Hiro-san."

Jesus, he is perfectly capable of doing that.

It is well known: first, you get a job, then you become a couple, you get a house, a pet, and finally children, don't you?

And we have just got the house...

"Hiro-san, are you free tonight?"

It is Friday. Of course I am.

"Err, yeah, but I won't be at home before 19.00."

"That"s alright! If we meet at our usual restaurant, we'll make it 18.40, we'll have time."

My brain-gears begin to speed like crazy: time for _what_, exactly?

"Nowaki ?"

"Gosh, ook at the time, I have to go !"

I am leaving later, because on Friday, my first course only begins at 9.

"I'll wait for you tonight, Hiro-san."

He quickly kisses me on the cheek and I look at him, puzzled. He looks at me back for a moment, then, pulling me gently against him with his big hands, he kisses me passionately on the lips. Surprised, I haven't reacted quickly enough to retreat and quite the contrary, I hug him back. When he takes me like that, I am unable to resist.

His surprises can be good sometimes.

"See you tonight."

I watch the door closing, unassured. What is he up to, precisely? What is coming _now_?

Well, let's just hope he won't bring kids...

xxxxxxx

I arrive 5 minutes earlier than expected, and yet Nowaki is already here.

He is calmer than I thought he would be. He was so excited that I accepted the date this morning...but now, he seems worried when he gazes at me. I have to confess I am pretty tired of my week, so I guess I look weary.

"So, why were you so high this morning ?"

"It's been three weeks since the last time we could catch a break together. I am so glad we could finally make it!"

He steps forward to hug me. Then retreats. We are in a big street right before a crowded restaurant. I smile. So, Nowaki himself knows some limits? He smiles back at me and leads me into the restaurant, his warm hand behind my back.

A few moments later, we are relaxed and eating yaki soba with a pint of green tea.

Nowaki says nothing. Me neither. Yet, something is bothering me.

"Nowaki, there's something you want to talk about, don't you ?"

He keeps eating his cold noodles in silence.

"You made a fuss about tonight and here we are, doing exactly the same thing as usual. And now, you don't wanna say anything?"

Nowaki takes a sip of tea and clears his throat.

"Ahem, it's just that...I've realized something."

Ouch.

"And...what is it ?"

"We struggle to spend some time together. And since we moved out, you don't seem happy."

Panic slowly overwhelms me. We are not so far from the "Honey, we need to talk."

"It's been only one week and a half ! And..."

...and the morning begins so much better. But I am way too shy to say such a thing aloud.

"See? You don't find anything to answer that."

I swear between my teeth. "Don't be so hasty in you conclusions, you fool!"

"Stop it, I really have nothing to say against our new flat nor us living together. On the contrary, I can see how hard you try to do your best, you know you don't need to do so much for me."

The tender waking up, the bentô, all the sweet moves...everything comes from Nowaki. The only real thing that I have ever gave him, is my approval to greet his love and his gentleness. The worst is, that Nowaki himself doesn't expect more from me. He just wishes for me to be there for him, quite simply. Even though he is too hot-blooded or possessive sometimes.

As he was that night, at the very beginning of our relationship, when Nowaki was nothing more but an intrusive and naughty student who had invited himself at my place without even asking.

"Hiroki, are you alright? You look paler than usual."

That night, Akihiko was standing at my front door. Embarassed, I looked away while he was fluffing my hair as he used to, and let him check my body heat with his palm on my forehead. With his warm, big hands that I had such a hard time forgetting.

And all of sudden, I couldn't see anymore. Other big warm hands were hiding my eyes.

"Please excuse me, but I'll take Hiro-san from you."

What the hell ?

"From now on, Hiro-san is mine, and I'll let nobody make him suffer any longer."

I had barely the time to peek at a bemused Akihiko between Nowaki's fingers when this one slamed the door.

Of course, I had made a big fuss...but that very evening, I had let myself fall into Nowaki's arms. And that's how we began to go out.

Right since the beginning, our relationship tended to be pretty fetched, swinging from useless secrets to big misunderstandings...

"Hiro-san ?"

"Yeah ?"

! #$%^&*. I was so deeply absorbed by this memory that I had completely lost track.

"Sorry, what were you saying ?"

"Hiro-san, I am worried about us. You know I love you."

Silence. His eyes gaze sadly at me.

You fool, you know perfectly well I can't say that so easily !

But, if I shut up...

As red as ever, diving into my mug of soya sauce, I barely manage to emit the sounds he is waiting for.

"M...M...Me too."

That's all Nowaki needs to illuminate his eyes. Gosh, he is such a kid. Do we really need to say it aloud to know it?

"And yet, things are not simple between us."

Whose fault? You shouldn't have left like a thief for a whole year, nor looked for another flat behind my back !

"So, what I propose is..."

Here we are. I don't think he is ready to raise children yet, so he is going to talk about the dog. Or the cat. But if it was nothing else but a red fish, it would really be perfect.

Nothing comes.

"Yes?"

"What I suggest..."

Good Lord.

"Nowaki, if you wanna say something, just say it !"

"What I propose is...is that...that we...from now..."

He stops, tensed in utter embarassment.

No, it can't be. Nowaki wants to break up ? He, who has done every possible thing, twice, to clutch me? Unbelievable. Un-be-lie-va-ble.

"...That we go into couples therapy."

...

...

...

Eh ?


	2. Chapter 2 : Akihiko, my friend

If only I could tell someone, it would be a good joke.

Anyway, I could expect everything to happen and he would still find something shocking! Expecting children to rush into our place seems almost reasonable in comparison.

I still don't believe it, couples therapy. Couples therapy.

_Couples therapy ! _

Cou...

Okay, I'll calm down.

Well, calm down. That it easier said than done. Ever since Nowaki came up with that, I can' t bear his sweet method to wake me up, or his delicious bentôs anymore. Each time he gets close to me or I taste his food, as affectionate as he may be, as awesome as it may be, I remember this ridiculous idea, and it freaks me out.

So, as you may have expected, smashing alarm-clocks against the wall has become my favorite sport all over again. Nowaki has come up with the idea of putting a cover on them, this way, they don't necessarily shatter the first day.

Tsssss. Such a kid. So, that is _his _solution to _our_ problems? That a stranger in white coat puts his nose into our private life to do the job in our place? Not to mention how expensive it is!

When I begin to think about it...I feel choked up with humiliation.

"Kamijou, you have to cool down."

I know it!

"No, Kamijou, I mean it this time. I'm speaking to you as your former mentor. Your tantrums towards your students have not much to do with their abilities anymore, while they are likely to put _yours_ into question."

Well, I have to confess that throwing chalk at every student who tried to open their mouth yesterday was, _a bit_ exaggerated.

"Plus, have you ever slept recently?"

"Miyagi-sensei, this is none of your concern."

"It absolutely is. I am the one who has supported you until now and who has recommended you as a professor in this university. You've been teaching here as a assistant professor for barely two years. If you make trouble, we both will have to face the consequences, and I do NOT want to see my career involved with a spoiled k..."

He freezes. We both know why. To involve his career with a spoiled kid? It suits very well to his own situation with Takatsuki-kun.

"Anyway, you got it, right ?"

Sure I did.

"Miyagi-sensei, everything is fine and I can take care of my students myself. I do my job, and they need to understand that you don't joke about literature with me."

"Usami Akihiko has told me about you himself."

"_I'm sorry?_"

"I shall point out that Takahashi Misaki follows your course. Didn't you know that they live together?"

Or course that I _did_ know about them. Akihiko taking the younger brother in by default to get the elder is such a joke that I still laugh at it sometimes. One more blow that I had to take, even if everything is behind me now.

Behind me...

"So what? No special treatment for VIP's!"

"I know very well that Usami-sensei is your childhood friend. I guess he must understand your bad temper better than anyone..."

Wrong. Nobody understands me better than Nowaki. Nowaki, that fool.

"...and yet, even he thinks that you've got out of bounds."

"..."

"If you don't go and speak to him, better be ready to face the consequences. He was pretty high when he came to me."

"No need to tell me, I know it. I'll go and see him. Tomorrow the latest.

Miyagi grins.

"I trust you. Don't forget to relax a bit afterwards, or your frown might freeze on your face.

xxxxxxxx

I arrive at Akihiko's place, ill at ease. Gosh. For over four years we haven't really talked to each other and the last time, it was when Nowaki had imposed himself on me. Barely a few minutes to exchange a few words before the door was slammed at his face. **  
**

That fool, that _dumbass_ Nowaki !

"Yes?"

"Kamijou Hiroki, Akihiko's old friend. Is he here?"

"Please come inside, he was waiting for you."

To make Akihiko, who is always drowned in his deadlines, wait for someone...

A kid opens the door of the huge condo. I recognize him at once. Takahashi Misaki. He recongizes me too. Stunned, he freezes right on his spot, with popped eyes.

Come on, boy, grow a spine !

I look down at him. I hate kids who don't have any personality. Nothing better than martial arts for that kind of brat, yet traditions are fading away. Japan is definitely not what it used to be anymore. The boy gets smaller and smaller, unable to say an intelligible word.

"U...U...U...Usagi-s..."

"Hiroki".

A huge shadow darkens my sight. I don't recall Akihiko being so big. The kid takes profit from it by hiding behind him.

"Come in."

I step inside and sit on one of the two couches. Next to Suzuki-san. Teddy bears have always got his preference. I wonder if Akihiko has kept all his toys in his bedroom?

Takahashi has taken advantage of the diversion to disappear into the kitchen. That annoys me a lot. I am not stupid enough not to suspect that he is going to listen to us.

"Could Takahashi-kun..."

"He does whatever he wants under this roof."

Ouch. Akihiko has barely spoken since I came in, but his words are as sharp as katanas.

And this means it's no good. No good at all.

"Until now, I have never dared the slightest comment about your work or your abilities, I know that side of you pretty well. You're a workaholic. You can't stand to see your students slacking off where you've been so eager to learn more. This is highly understandable, I daresay it is even brave of you."

"Thanks."

Silence. I am waiting for him to continue. I am waiting for his "Yet,...".

A nervous Takahashi brings us some tea and disappears to take refuge in the kitchen at once, with the pretext of preparing dinner.

We sip our tea in silence. Still nothing. It is starting to feel really awkward.

"You're not talking, Hiroki."

What, I was supposed to talk?

"You don't have anything to say? You don't see what I mean?"

Even, if I swallowed an ice cube, there wouldn't be any different.

"I confess I have been a bit too harsh with my students these days."

"You throw chalk at their faces when they ask you questions. That's bullshit. Miyagi-sensei perfectly agrees with me."

"I...I am.."

"Whatever is up in your private life, you cannot just throw your anger at your students. Don't you remember the old proverb 'To dig into his own grave'?"

What a... Daring to throw at my face one of my rare good memories...It was just before our first kiss, and see what he's doing with it!

I keep my mouth shut, boiling from frustration, my hands clutching the burning teacup.

"Hiroki..."

"Spare your words, I got it. You don't have to worry about your precious little one."

"Hiroki-kun."

I freeze. That's what he used to call me as a child when I was upset.

"I'm worried about you."

Tell me about it. You worry about Takahashi. You have always worried about a Takahashi.

"But you're not gonna tell me anything."

If you knew all that I want to throw at _your_ face...

"Miyagi-sensei has told me you've been seeing someone for a few years? That's good news."

If I keep clutching my mug that much, I will break it for sure. Or I will throw it, since I'm so good at it.

"Is it the same young man I saw...?"

"Yes."

"And...are you getting along well ?"

Okay, now I've had enough.

I rise so fast that I make Akihiko start.

"Thank you for caring about me. I'll be more cautious with my students. Thank Takahashi-kun for the tea and give him my apology for the other day."

Akihiko is still sitting on the couch, his eyes looking up at me. I can read his concern despite his weak smile. And that really pisses me off.

"I'll tell him if he hasn't heard already."

When I am stepping through the front door...

"Hiroki."

I turn back, pushing the door handle.

"Don't hesitate to come the next time you feel like it. I know you always tend to dream up all by yourself."

This makes me laugh. "Tell me about it."

"Precisely, I have Misaki. And...The publishing staff, too. I wouldn't make it without them."

He grins while opening the door for me.

"This way, when you feel like throwing stuff everywhere, you'll have a new secret place to hide."

xxxxxxxx

I have no more trouble at the university, Miyagi is relieved. Days pass swiftly. I don't even have enough stamina to smash alarm-clocks anymore. Nowaki ends his work so late at night that I fall asleep before he comes back, and yet I struggle to stay awake longer every night. The morning after, he leaves right after having prepared the breakfast, though I try to wake up earlier day after day. So much, so that I begin to be seriously worn out this time. Nowaki and I are sharing the same place but we don't get along. anymore. I understand what it means. And it hurts.

I am sent back to my own loneliness.

We have been living together for over four years. We have already gone through the worst obstacles: our different ages (ok, it's nothing compared to Miyagi and Takatsuki-kun when I come to think about it) and especially, our mismatched personalities, one year with no contact at all, jealousy crisis, and an unexpected moving out. So, we'll go through this one more time, right?

Nowaki and I are both clumsy, though for different reasons. Nowaki has no problem expressing his feelings for me, whereas I am unable to say them aloud for him. On the other hand, he is completely unaware of the impact his actions could have on myself, whereas I think twice about us before I do anything. By the way, too often, I choose not to _because_ of that.

As for Akihiko...I thought I had put it behind me, but meeting him again, after seeing this "extra" ordinary kid, all my memories have resurfaced. Besides, Akihiko didn't seem bothered about reminding me at all.

_"Don't hesitate to come the next time when you feel like it. I know you always tend to dream up all by yourself."_

I have to admit he knows me pretty well. Maybe he understands me even better than Nowaki. Or else, I'd rather say that he knows me differently. I don't know anymore.

_"This way, when you feel like throwing stuff everywhere, you'll have a new secret place to hide."_

Gosh, now I've got the blues. I have always been a grouchy and lonely boy, and yet I've never felt more serene than during all those hours spent with Akihiko under the trees where green sheets merge with the blue sky so beautifully. By far.

xxxxxxxx

"Good evening, may I help you ?"

"Kamijou Hiroki, Akih..."

"Please come inside."

Takahashi has already prepared the tea and leaves quietly, although he can't help himself but glance behind him several times on his way to his room. He seems kinda upset, I don't get why.

"Misaki is a bit surprised that I hadn't told him about you earlier."

I raise my head. Akihiko lights a cigarette, looking as indifferent as usual.

"Don't tell me he is jealous?"

"Well, sort of. That I don't say much about my past."

"You've never liked to speak about your past."

Akihiko lays his head back to blow the smoke out.

"Precisely, let's talk about you. What's up? You just felt like throwing chalk and books everywhere, so you've run to my place?"

As I thought, I shouldn't have come. Still, Akihiko is the only one I have ever confessed anything to. Besides, I should be used to his sarcasm already.

"Have you ever heard of...of..."

You inspire, and you breathe.

"About...Couples therapy ?"

Akihiko gazes quietly at me, ciggie hanging out of his mouth.

"That's what you're up to with Kusama-san?"

Geez, can't he just answer my question?

Hey, wait...

"How do you know his name?"

"Miyagi told me a little about him. I know that he works at the hospital too, but nothing more."

Damned Miyagi.

"So, are you and Kusama-san willing to go into therapy?"

"No, no, I'm just asking you about it."

"Mmmh...Interesting enough to put it into my future books. Worth taking a closer look."

"Akihiko!"

"I don't really know anything about it, you know how much I love doctors. But..."

"But?"

"Don't forget that your boyfriend is a doctor too. I suppose he's the best person to ask, and that he hasn't suggested it to you just for fun."

How has he guessed that Nowaki is the one who has come up with the idea?

"Because I know you and because he is the most possessive between you two, according to what I saw four years ago. You are an open book to me, Hiroki, you know that?"

Unbearable. I stand up. An amused Akihiko is gazing at me. Lounging on the couch, ciggy at the corner of his mouth, collar opened, his eyes laughing at me, he really looks like Miyagi right now.

"Th...Thanks for the tea."

xxxxxxxxxx

When I come back, of course, Nowaki is not there. Never mind. I will wait for him as long as necessary. We can't go on like this, avoiding each other for ever or else...it will mean that...

Gosh. After having attempted to break up and then making up twice, I realize that I just can't see my life without him.

And yet, our relationship finds itself at a dead end once again.

What should we do then?

_"Don't forget that your boyfriend is a doctor too. I suppose he's the best person to ask, and that he hasn't suggested it just for fun."_

This old Akihiko. Though he always seems lost in his little world, he is not one of the most brilliant minds from Teito university for nothing. As smart as usual.

And observant. "_He is the most possessive between you two, according to what I saw four years ago."_

That's right. At least he is the one who shows it the most openly. Then my thoughts go back to Akihiko's first observation.

"_your boyfriend is a doctor too."_

I haven't even made the link. However, now that he has said that, I am blinded by such an evidence. I was so focused in our relationship issues that I haven't even thought about it.

Nowaki is a physician,and there is more; he specializes in pediatrics. Plus, he is almost done with his studies. Of course he has a strong foundation in psychology and that he gets many references in every kind of discipline, thanks to his professional network.

And above all, he really wants us to be together**-** as I want.

He knows we are facing obstacles that we don't manage to get through– as I know.

From there, he came naturally to ask: is there a "medical" solution to our problems ?

To conclude, it is true we're are pretty much on our own. As far as I'm concerned, I do the minimum to keep in touch with my family, just in case I'd need them one day. When a family doesn't suspect a thing about your private life, then discussions are necessarily limited. And for Nowaki, an abandoned child whose name simply informs about the weather it was the day he was found, he obviously has no family at all. Though he is very friendly, he hasn't real good friends either, beside his colleagues and old prom mates.

I figure out that Miyagi teasing me about us is nothing more than a way he has found to get us out from our isolation. Akihiko has understood it too, although it had to involve Takahashi for him to intervene.

I'm shivering. I realize that this is the first time that I try to think in Nowaki's place, to understand how he might feel.

We don't communicate between us, or around us. However, we absolutely want to stay together. Nowaki has suggested a solution, and though he has come up with it all alone once again, I realize that it is the first time that he waits for my opinion. If he had done as he is used to, he would have met me at our first consultation instead of the restaurant.

Well, it seems that it doesn't leave us much of a choice, does it?


	3. Chapter 3 : First round

**_Hello fellows writers and readers ! _**

**_Edit 25 May 13 : Updates and rewrite done for both lemon scenes in chapters 3 ad 7 ! These have nothing to do with the previous ones, thus I hope you'll like it :-). I owe the previous readers all my sincere apologies for having been way too shy and awkward the first time I wrote them...  
_**

**_To the readers who have followed, reviewed, favorited the story, thank you so much for your support and suggestions :D _**

**_Wecome to the new incomers and please review ! I'll answer to each of you. _**

**_Warning : As I said, lemon this time...I let you see ^^_**

**_Enjoy ! _**

**xxxxxxxxxx**

"Nowaki, let's go."

"Hiro-san, please calm down."

"I said, let's go!"

"Shhh, they're listening."

"Precisely!"

"Hiro-san!"

An old couple who has dared to sit down right in front of us is glaring at us for so long that it begins to get seriously at my temper.

In a lightning, I throw at them my most murderous glare, the special attack I usually reserve for the students who send SMS undercover.

The old couple starts and looks down at their feet.

Nowaki and I have been living in our cosy little world for so many years that I had completely forgotten the reason we avoid stepping out of it. If Japan isn't what it used to be anymore... I wouldn't mind seeing some improvement somewhere.

Anyway. If the two grannies could stop their little game... Mind your own partner, for god's sake!

Nowaki is not reassured, and he is right.

My demonic aura gets bigger... bigger...

"Hiro-san, cool down."

Say that one more time and I'll _really_ get mad. Can't he see the thunder spears above my head?

"Hir..."

"Hello gentlemen, it is your turn."

Saved by the bell. A woman in suit opens the door for us. Nowaki will never know it, but it was really close this time.

We bow to her.

"Kusama Nowaki, pleased to meet you" Nowaki replies back at once. "We've got an appointment with Hito-sensei."

The young woman laughs politely.

A card is pinned on her suit. HITO MAYUMI.

"I _am _Hito-sensei. Hito Mayumi, pleased to meet you. Please excuse me, but I don't see any reason why I should wear a white coat out of the hospital. I hope you don't mind."

I have to confess that it always makes me feel ill at ease when a physician who doesn't get directly in touch with his patients is still wearing white coats, for the sheer pleasure of showing off. It is a pretty smart move from this woman to make the shift. Nowaki was right about her. Including from a completely different angle...

As gay as I may be, she still looks quite gorgeous to me.

I can notice that Nowaki isn't indifferent to her either.

Yet, betraying the slightest emotion is out of question. The situation is enough embarrassing like that.

But something bothers me... I hope that she doesn't mind _us_.

Hito-sensei is staring at each of us, looking quite surprised. She should have known from the beginning that we are both men, right? I mean, if we were called Hiromi and Rem, which are both names for boys and girls as well, I would understand that she had not suspected a thing. And even so, medical ethics don't allow her to react to it at any cost.

Nowaki starts while he is looking at me. Hito-sensei seems to hesitate as if she was close to some kind of dangerous animal which could get easily angry.

"And... err... you are..."

I am frowning even more and I bow lower than expected to hide as much as possible how irritated I am.

"Kamijou Hiroki, literature teacher at Mitsuhashi university, pleased to meet you."

Hito-sensei doesn't move from an inch, puzzled. She hides her embarrassment behind a nervous smile and switches to Nowaki.

I could make some effort to sound a bit less cold, I guess. Ridiculous. I sweep away the thought at once.

Nowaki is looking as bothered as Hito-sensei and smiles nervously back to her.

"Well, let's go into my office, shall we?"

She smiles and spins around to lead us to her office.

That sounds promising.

xxxxxxxx

Ah! The awkward silence. Nowaki doesn't try to calm me down. Good boy, he has got it.

Eyes looking away, I open my mouth at last.

"What's the count? 5? 6?"

"Errr... she is our sixth one I think."

"Tell me about it."

"Come on, you heard what Tsumori-senpai said."

"I didn't really bother listening to him."

Tsumori-senpai, or so he calls him, is his colleague from the hospital. Just speaking about him is enough to freak me out even more, if ever possible.

This guy has really taken the piss out of me. The first time I saw him, he was at home with Nowaki. The two of them were lying half-naked on the floor. The worst thing about it is that, far from willing to dispel the misunderstanding in the following days, he fancied to excite even more of my jealousy, with loads of glances, sarcasms and obvious hints. Until he literally threw himself into Nowaki's arms before my very eyes, at their workplace. Then he looked back to smirk at me. To add insult to injury, it was he who told me that Nowaki intended to move out, though I still hadn't a clue about it. Of course, he cautiously forgot to tell me that Nowaki wanted to move out _with me_.

As a result, he got punched and I ran away from the hospital. It was only after this umpteenth jealousy crisis that Nowaki ran after me to explain everything.

All in all, Nowaki's good friend or not, I can't stand his sight anymore.

Unluckily, he is a therapist. That is to say, the best person to ask when you're called Nowaki and when you're looking for a good reference in his field.

"He said it would take time to find someone convenient. And that we must not hesitate to refuse the second appointment before things worsen any more."

"As if I'd lost time with a pervert, two homophobics, a hysteric, a naïve brat and a... a... _madam_!"

That is how I would sum up the two weeks of appointments that we have just spent.

"Come on, Hito-sensei is not _that _bad in comparison with the others!"

"You can tell, you were staring at her like crazy."

"Hiro-san!"

So what!? After all, it is the truth. He'd better know what he wants."

"Hiro-san, be sincere to me. During the whole chat, you barely even opened your mouth. You've never talked during any consultation anyway. What was wrong this time then?

I retreat into silence. Among all the doctors we have met, Hito-sensei is the one who had given me the best first-impression, by far. Until she led us to her office.

The office appealed to the two of us. Nothing to compare with the sterilized rooms, so white that they reminded me of a hospital, and whose designed furniture seem to come right from the Matrix.

Nothing like that here. The whole thing was pleasant and warm.

Colors from the room came in different tones of blue and green, with a varnished wooden desk with its chair, a glass coffee table upon which was a tea set and which was surrounded by three armchairs in light brown. A sweet scent of sandalwood filled the room.

In fact, the tranquility of the whole thing even shocked me. The way the blue and green pitched from the walls and the different objects merged getting into harmony with the wooden furniture, painfully reminded me of those blessed times from my childhood when Akihiko and I were hiding under the trees.

Hito-sensei showed us to two armchairs arranged side by side, then she sat in front of us on the third one, while taking a good care to adjust her suit skirt.

"Well, I guess the reason you're here is, that you both feel concerned about your partner. That's a very strong point. It means that you both care about the other and that you want to find a way to get along together.

I scoffed. Thank you very much for explaining to us why we have come.

Yet, Nowaki seemed to enjoy it very much.

"That is to say, erm, it's already been four years but... we have... how should I put it... it's still hard for us to..."

He glanced at me, apparently kinda worried, as if to get some help. Well, he could wait. It was hard enough for me to stay cool.

Hito-sensei ended his sentence.

"...to understand each other. To communicate."

"Yeah, exactly."

She had bent lightly forward to pour some tea for us. I couldn't help but peek at her gaping collar. Obviously, Nowaki couldn't either. Then our eyes met and we looked away, our faces red from heat.

What? Now we're beginning to change tack for the same woman? And at that, the one who is supposed to_ help us_ _get through_ our couple issues?...

As a consequence of the nostalgic memories that the atmosphere awakened inside me, I had the added the fear of losing Nowaki once again. My two loopholes in our relationship.

"Kamijou-san, is there anything you would like to say about it?"

Back to the present. Nowaki is fulminating in front of me.

"I can't get how you could stand up and walk away at that moment!"

"Because I had nothing to say, and because her questions made me sick!"

Nowaki's shadow becomes threatening. The tornado is coming. I can even feel the breeze blowing in my hair.

"What is the point if you leave in the middle without a word?"

"What can I do about it? You saw what happened afterwards!"

The wind blows even stronger around Nowaki. I am staring at him with popped eyes. Usually, it's _me_ who frightens everybody with my demonic aura!

She had begun to ask to each of us to choose and to describe the most typical situations which, according to us, illustrated our issues the best.

In concert, we had answered Nowaki's year of study in the United States and the recent moving out.

However, when it came to telling the story...

"I had warned Hiro-san from some time but he had shown no reaction. So, I went on with planning my departure and recalled him a few days before I left for the United States."

I had grumbled between my teeth. "You had _not _warned me."

"I've already told you that you weren't listening."

"What happened then?" Hito-sensei went on quickly.

"Once I got there, I felt awfully lonely without Hiro-san. So I worked days and nights not only not to get depressed, but also and above all to return to Hiro-san as fast as possible. It took me one year instead of two."

"That is remarkable."

I snapped back at once.

"What this humble young man has forgotten to tell you is that during this whole year, I had no contact from him, nothing at all. As pure as his intentions might have been, I had ended up convinced that he had definitely dumped me."

"You know perfectly well how many letters I wrote to you! You have them at home, remember?"

Then an awkward silence had fallen . Hito-sensei was looking alternatively at each of us.

"Letters? I don't get it. Why did you tell me that you had no contact with him, Kamijou-san?"

I burst out.

"Because I didn't! He never posted them! They never reached me! I read them only after we moved in. And I found them by chance, while cleaning up his stuff."

"Dammit, I've already told you that if I posted them, I would feel the urge to come back even more!"

"Then", Hito-sensei went back, "why have you kept them, Kusama-san?"

"Because..."

"Spit it out, if you dare."

"Yes?"

Looking away, turning crimson, Nowaki couldn't speak anymore.

When I stared at him, I found that at this very moment he was looking like me. In fact, it was even disturbing.

To see him turn red, clumsy, shrinking, looking tensed, the doctor waiting for his answer, I realized how much I must be annoying when I act like that. The problem is, I can't do otherwise.

Whereas Nowaki has managed to surpass his shyness, and most of all, _him_. He's always managed to express his feelings aloud. Unlike me.

"Because...because there was Hiro-san's name on them."

I swear, I saw Hito-sensei's shoulders loosen lightly at this moment. She seemed to have been holding her breath the whole time Nowaki hesitated.

"This situation is remarkable. Now, tell me about the moving out."

Afterwards everything drifted pretty fast.

I bury my head into my hands.

"What's the point in doing this, I wonder. We've done nothing else but dig up old arguments and repeat things we've already said. We've done nothing else but to blame each other. That's why I left in the end. "

"If we've come again with that, it means what we've not put a conclusion to it yet. We must be patient. We must trust."

Trust. Exactly what I need.

Nowaki sits down next to me. He strokes my hair. He knows that he has the gift for easing me by doing that. He knows that, if he does that to me, I just can _not_ resist. Resist his big warm hands. He takes my chin gently to kiss me.

"Stop it, Nowaki, it's not the time."

"I love you."

"Nowaki!"

"Hiro-san, I love you."

"W... Wait... Nowaki..."

"I can't imagine my life without you."

Me neither... But I'll never be able to tell him. I just have to let him. This is _my_ response.

He sweeps his hand under my shirt while letting my head rest against his other, in order to keep kissing me. I kiss him back, slipping my tongue between his lips. I cling to him, not to fall while his hand keeps going with its investigation. And before I even realize, he is almost carrying me to our bedroom. How annoying he is, being so much stronger and bigger than me. As a man, I really feel offended.

I find myself on my feet, in a tight embrace, as whispers of his breath caress and heat my skin, before he begins worshiping me with his hands, his lips and his eyes.**  
**

"I love you."

"Nowaki!"

"I love you."

He hammers home these words as if they make him feel more secure. I can barely breathe with him kissing me so much everywhere.

"No...wa...ki..."

"I love you... I love you...!"

Stop saying it, it is driving me mad.

To my surprise (and slight disappointment), his frenzied pace slows down with a final, intensely deep kiss, taking all my breath away with it. I take a step away to regain my breath, panting, bemused. At this point, silence falls between us while we keep staring at each other. The atmosphere is suddenly heavy from heat and desire. He has wanted me, since the beginning and now I can't help but want him back.

He pulls his shirt above his head, allowing me to wonder at the stretched muscles of his arms and torso, the curves of his bones under the skin, his flat and firm chest, the vertical line from his solar plexus to his low belly, drawing a path between his firm abs. He elegantly throws the shirt which floats above the floor. His hand and arm follow the fall of the cloth in a slow gesture, while he is grabbing my own shirt with his other hand, irresistibly attracting me to him.

So close, I am warmed by his heat. His breath becomes mine, my pounding heart echoes his.

The lullaby of the same three words is back, his insistent whisper glides further under my skin, down my neck, while he is pulling my shirt away. I seize his hands to stop him, to stop myself, since my traitorous body desires nothing else but to tear the cloth apart.

I gasp when the yearning for him suddenly rises down inside me and I raise my head to glare at Nowaki, embarrassed and angry that I let him know and use so much of my weakness. He muffles my weak protests with a deep kiss, his supple tongue and arms already trapping me in a soft yet firm embrace. His hands have risen from my lower back to my hair, tracing the nape of my neck. His long and slender fingers gently stroke the bangs already wet from my heat. The breeze of his breath sweeps the skin on my cheeks while his lips are both biting and skimming mine.

At this point, I have forgotten everything but his heat, his breath, his hands, his voice, his skin.

Nowaki's hurricane of love has become an overwhelming caress.

I can't help but shiver at his sheer sensual touch. His warm hands give up my hair for my back, the tips of his fingers gently following the curves of my shoulder blades and crawling down my spine.

They finally land around my hips to unbuckle my belt and loosen my jeans. Without a second thought I seize them, to prevent Nowaki from going further, ashamed since it would reveal my state. I am already so hard that nothing more but the sheer contact of my pants against my skin is painful. And yet,once again, all my ridiculous attempts to cool the man down are useless. He strips me naked before I have a chance to fight back.

As if to take my revenge, I unbuckle his belt and jeans in return. As I should have expected, though I tried to stop him by seizing his hands, Nowaki, on the contrary, encourages me by loosening his grip. His clothes glide slowly down his long, thin, firm thighs and legs, rustle and finally land above his bare feet. He kicks the last cloth away in barely one motion.

Stark naked, we reach the bed. Gasping, drowning under his hungry lips and low whispers, I break the kiss to breathe. Nowaki takes profit of it to lays all against me across the soft surface of the sheets and pushes my legs apart, stroking the skin between my thighs. Furious to have reached such an aroused state so fast and to let him know it, I grit my teeth and clutch the sheets as much as I can to hold back. I don't want to end it before it has even begun.

Nowaki's chest reaches mine, his ocean blue eyes dive deep inside mine. Dazzled, I dive my gaze in his hazed eyes back, as to drown deeper, though my vision is blur from the tears of desire that I try to hold back.

Nowaki pushes me deeper in the bed and prepares his next move while spreading my legs wider.

"Hiro-san... I'm going in."

Already blushing so much from desire and from the shame of it, I can't believe that feeling hotter after so few words was ever possible. Eyes shut from embarrassment, I grit my teeth to hold everything back.

_Don't say that, you fool, just do it!_

He carries me away with him like a wave. Dragged by the stream, I am grasping for air, each thrust throwing me further, faster.

"Nowaki... I can't... I'm going to..."

I am going to drown.

My head lays backwards, my hips raise... My whole body is so tensed that I am stretching myself in both directions, to take refuge under the typhoon.

A wave.

"Ha!"

Reflux.

Another one.

"HA !"

Reflux.

"No... NOWAKI !"

The last wave carries me away and crashes down when Nowaki collapses against my shoulder. Panting, I can feel his breath on my neck, synchronizing with mine. Our chests are throbbing at the same pace; our blood flows from the same heart.

Since when have we not made love? Two, three weeks...

...A month?!

"Nowaki."

Lying against me, he raises his head just enough to look in my eyes.

"Yes?"

"We... we should do that more often."

He bursts out laughing. Gosh, does he even realize how much it took me to say that?

"That's not funny!"

He stops, and pecks on my forehead.

"No, I am glad, that's all. If only you knew how glad I am when you manage to say such things."

He holds me tighter against him. So do I. We fall asleep in each other's arms.

xxxxxxx

A delicious smell of rice and grilled meat wakes me up. I hear the rustling of frying food coming from the kitchen and a soft singing voice.

I rise to check the hour.

"Ouch!"

My hips. My back.

Damned Nowaki.

"Ouch! Geez."

What?

"Gosh!"

1 pm! Oh but... It's Saturday. Phew...

I stand up so fast that I forget about my back.

"Ouch, for god's sake!"

"Hiro-san! Are you alright?"

What do you think, you fool?

"I... it's okay, I'm coming!"

Come on, man. One, two...

"Ouch!"

...three! I stand up...

...then fall.

What the hell... we were pretty ruthless last night.

"Hiro-san, I am coming!"

"I said, I'm fine, I'm coming. Do not dare to come in!"

Come on, be brave. One, two...

This time, wincing, I am standing on my feet. Good.

I enter into the kitchen in a bath-robe after a relieving shower and sits down...

"Ouch!"

...cautiously.

It's going to take me the whole week-end to recover. Gosh.

When I come to think that we had to meet a therapist to rediscover that sex is still one of the best ways to solve couple issues...

"Nowaki. I'd like us to make. a new appointment with Hito-sensei."

He is gazing at me above his bowl, looking serene, with glittering eyes.

"I _do_ agree."


	4. Chapter 4 : dreams

**_Hello fellows readers and writers !_**

**_ French version will be updated with the fourth chapter after updating the first three chapters, so, to the French readers, I apologize for making you wait a bit longer_**

**_Here is the fourth chapter ! The fifth one will probably take a least a week to be published, maybe even two, because of the moving abroad tomorrow ! Plus the time to get used to the new place and to find a new internet connection. _**

**_Anyway, a usual, I'll do my best to please you :)_**

**_Thanks a lot for your support and encouragement, _**

**_as usual, don't hesitate to review !_**

**_Enjoy !_**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am running under the pouring rain, close to tears. But I won't cry, especially for such a ridiculous reason. First, men don't cry, and even less in public. Second, who would dare to cry because he has inflicted too much work on himself?

I am running like crazy despite the rain and my kendo outfit which gets heavier and heavier. Angst and frustration are fading away to be replaced by impatience.

Impatience to see him again.

I am getting closer, sodden, shivering under my wet hakama. Because of such a weather, the hideout isn't as attractive as usual, but I don't care.

I rush under his favorite tree.

"Hi, Akihi..."

He is not here. I freeze, stunned.

In his place sits another boy.

"Hi, Hiro-san."

I get defensive, unable to hide my disappointment.

"You're not Akihiko."

"He couldn't come. He is with Takahashi-kun right now."

"Takahashi... Takahiro?'

'Of course, who else?"

"But...but..."

"I have asked his permission to come and see you here. I thought it would be a nice surprise to you."

The boy stands up and comes to me. I notice that he is completely dry despite the rain which is pouring on us.

"You're sodden. You'll catch a cold if you stay like this."

He is coming closer. He is hugging me.

"But...what the..."

His hands are so warm. I am not cold anymore. He is drying my clothes. The rain doesn't even wet us anymore.

"How did you..."

"Akihiko cannot do this, right ?... You don't need him anymore, Hiro-san. I'm here. I'll never let you down.

"You...you are..."

The boy is kissing me. Exactly the way Akihiko did that day.

"I love you, Hiro-san."

I can't say anything, I am so taken aback. I realize that I am completely dry and warm.

"I...I...I..."

"Say it to me, Hiro-san. Just once. Please. I'll tell no one, I promise."

"I..."

The boy is gazing at me, looking sad, waiting.

"Hiro-san?'

I am struggling, tensed, eyes shut from shame and apprehension.

"I l..."

"HIRO-SAN !"

...

"I l..."

Err, wait, what...?

A dream. A stupid dream. Nowaki is crouching in front of me, his hands clutching my shoulders, as if to shake me.

It is dark. I realize that I have fallen asleep on the couch, for once, while waiting for Nowaki to come back from the hospital.

"You'll catch a cold if you stay like this."

The way too familiar words make me start.

"You'd better go to bed."

"Y...Yeah, you're right...You too..."

Nowaki is smiling at me.

"Don't worry, I am here."

Am I still dreaming or not? It's hard to tell, both situations sound so similar...

A little hesitating, I come closer to Nowaki. Timid, I am kissing him. Surprised, he takes me in his arms. I can feel his big warm hands on my back. I am not dreaming. Everything is real.

I put an end to the kissing and look away to hide my embarrassment.

"Hi...Hiro-san?"

"It...It's nothing. Have a good night."

Slowly, I disengage myself from Nowaki's hug and walk to our room. Nowaki is following me.

"By the way, what did you just say ?

"What?"

"In your sleep. You were stammering something, but the only word I got is "I"."

My cheeks burning, I walk faster and rush into the room.

"I don't remember the dream anymore, sorry. I am exhausted, anyway. Good night."

xxxxxxxx

During the following days, I am still disturbed by this dream. Why am I still clutching to Akihiko's memory so much? Why, though he has never been interested in me himself? And there is more, why _now_, over four years after Nowaki and I first met, when we love each other despite our differences, and when we do precisely everything to get through?

That Hito-sensei. It must be her, I am sure of it. Because of her office which has awakened everything, and her questions which made us dig out our old arguments.

But still, when I come to think about what happened afterwards...

"Well, well, Kamijou! You're spacing out a lot today!"

Miyagi drags me out of my thoughts with his naughty voice. I realize that I have stayed about five minutes staring at the bookshelf of the office, without moving.

I am frowning even more.

"Not at all. I am looking for a Basshô collection and I haven't put my hands on it yet."

"Then, I must have it. "

Basshô is Miyagi's favorite poet, maybe even his most favorite writer. Every Basshô collection from the office are his, the others must be at his place. I knew that, if I told this, he would answer me right back.

"Can you give me its reference? I have many."

Drat. I was hoping he would hold out a book and ask me if it was this one.

Confused, I feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

"Errr, well..."

"I love it when you try to lie. You're so cute, Hiro-kun !"

"Miyagi-sensei! First, my name is Hiroki Kamijou. Ka-mi-jou! Second, ..."

"Yeah, yeah. You are completely free to space around at lunch time, you know?"

Miyagi snaps me a naughty "have a good lunch" and walks away from the office, smirking.

Red from embarassment, I take a random collection and sits down at my desk. I'll eat later. Right now I must calm down.

I open the book randomly and come upon the following haïku:

_A cold rain starting, And no hat - So?_

Tsss. Even literature, my supposed best friend, is getting me back to those thoughts.

In that dream, rain was pouring on me so hard. Though I reached out to Akihiko, he was not there.

So?...Nowaki went to protect me from the wet and the cold.

Until I felt completely safe, warmed in his heat. Until I dared to tell him a second time, at least in my dreams, these words that he keeps repeating to me. Until I fell in love with him.

When he goes out of bounds, when he can't master his affection for me anymore, I let myself go completely. I don't have any control anymore. As if my strength had faded away.

Exactly the way I did the other night.

When I come to think about _that_, I am clenching my teeth. I am turning crimson again. It was...it was...incredible. One of the most intense nights that we have spent together, ever. And yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

The truth is, I can't bear that Nowaki always makes the first move anymore. Since we began our relationship, it has always been partly why I have been feeling constantly irritated. And it has got even worse with the years.

I have never dared to say that to Nowaki. I only express my annoyance with involuntary moves, such as tantrums or retractations. Of course, he does not understand. And as usual, I am too proud to tell him.

Whatever I try, I can't change myself.

Annoyed, I shut the book and open it randomly :

_A caterpillar, this deep in fall- still not a butterfly_

"Dammit!"

Basshô is teasing me as much as Miyagi! No wonder they get along so well!

My ears are drumming, it seems to me that a naughty laugh echoes from the book.

Shouting my anger, I throw the book over my desk.

Enraged, I rush out of the office to take refuge in the park.

xxxxxxxx

"Hello, gentlemen, it is your turn. "

Relieved, we jump on our feet to leave the two couples from the waiting room. Not because they were hostile or anything, but one of them is obviously bulky, expecting a child, which makes us somehow ill at ease. Nowaki has always had a gift with children...I have never spoke to him about having children, but I think he has always wanted to be a father...I wonder, whether it makes him suffer or not...I've never dared to ask him.

Without a word, after exchanging our bows, we walk into the green and blue office to sit down on the armchairs.

Hito-sensei fills our cups while smiling elegantly. We are looking at her her in silence, waiting.

She lets her rest against the back of the armchair, cup in hand.

Burning from impatience, I can't help but open my mouth first, bending forward over my knees.

"I apologize for my inappropriate behavior last time."

Nowaki bows as well, to my surprise.

"I have to apologize too."

Hito-sensei sweeps our excuses with a big smile.

"Don't worry, the first meeting almost always turns that way: either both partners barely speak, or they blame the other. That's perfectly normal."

She pauses to take a sip while we shrink into our chairs feeling so ashamed that we have turned red.

"Anyway, one thing is certain. Despite your argument last time, it is obvious that both of you are deeply in love and believe me, that's all that counts. I don't think it puts any pressure on you when I say it so explicitly, because you are aware of it, right ?"

We are both nodding. Nowaki is smiling at me, probably relieved that I approve. I can tell, it is so much easier for me to give a simple nod than to say it aloud...

"In both situations that you told me, Kusama-san is always the first to act, but doesn't consult Kamijou-san about it. Kamijou-san feels that something is up, but he says nothing. The two of you care for each other and ironically, you both retreat into silence for this precise reason. You are afraid to hurt the other and that leads to misunderstandings which fatally turn into arguments. "

We are still nodding. Nothing to add, she has understood everything.

"Let me reassure you, it is very common between two partners who are in love. I daresay that every couple comes across this problem sooner or later."

"But in our case", Nowaki interrupts, "it has always been like this."

"Precisely", Hito-sensei answers, unbothered.

She takes another sip and clears her throat. "There's something I have noticed since we first met, but to be sure, I'd like to ask you a few questions. "

Anxious, we are waiting.

"Tell me, at the very beginning, who took the first step ?"

Ah. Here we are. Was it _that _obvious ?

I answer, clenching my teeth.

"Nowaki."

"Who made the first move? I mean... physically?"

Turning even more crimson than ever, I keep answering, tensed.

"Nowaki."

"Who wanted you to live together first?"

"Nowaki."

"Who expresses his affection the most easily?"

"Nowaki."

"Who makes most propositions?"

"Nowaki."

"Who's on top?"

"Will you STOP IT, for God's sake?"

I have stood without thinking, shivering from rage and humiliation.

Nowaki is staring at me with popped eyes. Hito-sensei herself seems disturbed. She mutters :

"Incredible. I thought that at least, you would share both parts during love."

Caught red handed. I got angry without realizing that it was a confession in itself. Slowly, I sit down, unable to add anything else.

"I should add", Hito-sensei is going on, "that Kusama-san is the one who took the appointment, and that he is, by far, the one who speaks the most since the beginning. The contrast is obvious."

Nowaki is frozen, stunned, staring at me.

Finally, he stammers:

"But yet... Hiro-san sometimes makes the move too."

Hito-sensei, focused, let him go on.

"First, he accepted to be my private teacher to help me to prepare the exams. Then, he gave me flowers to congratulate me for having passed the preminilary tests. He too told me that he loves me."

They were not real first moves. Nowaki is the one who asked me to help him. Who passed the exams. Who asked me out first. And in each case, I had done it either reluctanctly or unvoluntarily.

As a proof, Hito-sensei hasn't relaxed a bit. She charges back:

"Would you have any other example, where you didn't expect you partner to make the move?"

Nowaki spaces, as if to think further. I have the answer. He had better recall it!

"It has happenend twice this month."

Twice? I could think of only once.

Hito-sensei's face lights up immedialty.I keep my mouth shut.

"Really? Please go on."

"Well, just after the first appointment, we made love and Hiro-san told me we should do that more often."

I react at once.

"Nowaki!"

"And the other day, he waited for me until he fell asleep though I would come back late from work."

"Wait..."

"And when I woke him up, he kissed me though I was completly unprepared of it."

If there wasn't the first appointment, I would have probably run away already. There is no place to hide. And such embarrassment worsens even more when I glance at Hito-sensei.

She is shivering from excitement. Right now, she is looking like a fangirl.

She turns to me, stars glittering in her eyes.

"Then, you would have begun to open up right after the first appointment?"

I snap back to her at once.

"With all due respect, do not come to think that having met you would change me so easily, Hito-sensei. It just happened this way because of the circumstances, that's all."

"Which circumstances?"

The professional tone was back...and the question, as precise and sharp as a sword blow.

I am figuring out the answer. I am beginning to understand at last.

But I can't tell. Not now. Not in front of Nowaki.

I frown, looking down. I throw one single word.

"Sorry."

Hito-sensei relaxes and offers a second serving of tea.

"Don't worry, I don't want to rush things out. We are going pretty fast already. From the beginning, you have managed to tell things you wouldn't have ever said in other circumstances. That's a very good sign. This way you'll be able to understand each other better and better. Precisely what couples therapy is for."

If you say so...

"Now, gentlemen, please excuse-me, but this will do for today."

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hiro-san, I'm sorry."

Nowaki and I are going home by the subway. I was about to fall asleep when Nowaki suddenly spoke those words.

"What for?"

"For not noticing earlier that I was pressuring you so much."

"What are you talking about? If I don't want something, I'll always let you know!"

"Precisely! You _have _always let me know, I just never listen."

I have never tried _that_ hard. To resist Nowaki and then give in to his passion has almost turned into a kind of game with the time. He should have figured it out by now.

"Listen, Nowaki, if one day, If I _really _don't want you to touch me, believe me, you'll feel the difference. Now, stop your nonsense, got it?"

Nowaki smiles back at me, looking still worried.

"Got it. Sorry."

"You fool."

We are back. I am worn out. Nowaki goes into the bathroom while I am opening instant noodles. Once in a blue moon won't kill us.

I can hear pouring water from the kitchen. Shivering, I am thinking about Hito-sensei's sharp and fast deductions.

_"The contrast is obvious."_

And above all...

_"Which circumstances?"_

I am clenching my teeth, while recalling the dream. My fists tightens on the boxes that I am holding. I put them down so as not to crush them.

Water is still pouring from the bathroom.

I hesitate. My breath becomes harsher. But my anger about letting fear get to me is even stronger.

"Oh, and so what?"

In one gesture, I leave the kitchen.

When I enter the bathroom, Nowaki doesn't hear me. He is still under the shower, singing. After all, it has been hardly ten minutes since he came here.

Once undressed, I open the gliding door in a lightening. Nowaki starts, shocked.

"Hi... Hiro-san ?"

I can't say anything; I am clenching my teeth . I enter the shower, staring at him right in the eyes. Without wincing even once, I shut the gliding door behind us. Both of us are under the shower.

"Hiro-san, what..."

"Shut up, will you?"

Water is pouring down our two bodies. Rain. Hot rain. Nowaki against me. Like a broken record, the dream keeps going in my mind. Irritation gets me again.

I come closer, unprepared. To start with, I put my hands on his torso. Though I am decided, I can't just do it the same way Nowaki has always done.

Timid, my lips get closer to his chest. Slowly, I am kissing.

A stunned Nowaki slowly raises his shaking arms to hug me. He pecks me me on the forehead.

Yet, letting him is out of question, this time.

Kissing him even harsher, I pull him against the wall.

This time, Nowaki steps back, looking kinda scared.

"Hiro-san, you don't have to..."

"Of course I don't have to, what are you thinking?"

As usual, I am playing more confident than I really am. Easier to say than to do, especially when it is your "first time".

But I am a man, and a man never runs away. Even less from his fears. Exactly the way I seduced Akihiko.

Nowaki doesn't move, his back resting against the wall, unable to decide how to react.

Annoyed, I look up at him.

"Do not dare to think that I am acting this way because of Hito-sensei. I had planned it all along. And do not dare to imagine that it will always turn like this after each appointment. I do what I want."

Nowaki is standing in silence, still taken aback. A timid smile appears on his face; his gentle and affectionate eyes gaze at me.

"Of course, Hiro-san."

He doesn't believe me. It is so obvious that it gets my temper.

Deciding to shut his mouth up, I make the move.


	5. Chapter 5 : fears

_**Hello fellow readers and writers !** _

_**Here it is, the fifth chapter and half of the story which is already done !** Because of my studies, I'll slow down the pace to one publication a month but as I always said and always proved, it will be done until the end !_

_Things are getting a bit more difficult for our two clumsy lovers from now on..._

_We're reaching the climax..._

_But shhhh...I'll let you see. :p_

**_As usual, your reviews are welcome, included suggestions and critics ! _**

**_Enjoy !_ **

xxxxxxxxxxx

It has already been three months since we decided to go into therapy and over two months since we met Hito-sensei. We will meet her again next month.

The first appointment has enabled us to put an end to our old arguments and misunderstandings once and for all, Hito-sensei leading us to tell each other our true feelings. During the second one, she lost no time to warn us about how disproportionate our parts were in our relationship. In both cases, it was anger that led me to express myself. And as a consequence, whether we liked it or not, we have somehow managed to exchange a bit more at last.

Ever since, Nowaki and I have improved a lot.

Even though...

"Good morning, Hiro-san."

Nowaki keeps playing the alarm-clock with his eternal smile. I sigh.

"Aren't you fed up with that?"

"I don't see how I could be."

I say nothing, only gazing at him in his eyes. His gentle eyes, where shadows of worries always float behind. I wonder whether, behind his everlasting no-matter-what smiling, Nowaki is hiding, in fact, a darker inner-self. The one which leads him to play so possessive a role towards me.

He is gazing at me back. His worries grow even bigger because of my silence. He gulps.

"You know, it is only to please you; I don't want to force it on you at all. If you want to buy a new alarm-clock..."

I muffle his fears by kissing him. While I am standing firmly, I push him to reverse our positions, to kiss him even harder.

When I put an end to the kissing, Nowaki is still gazing at me, though looking elsewhere. In fact, I still don't dare to go further. Even in the bathroom the other day, I didn't go all the way.

Even now, my so-called bravado is nothing but a bluff.

"I've already told you, if _really_ I do _not_ want something, I'll make myself clear."

I stand up to get dressed.

"And if I _do_ want something, I'll make myself clear too. So, don't worry."

I look back at him firmly. Nowaki still lies on the bed, smiling back at me.

"I'll finish making breakfast."

He stands up and walks to the kitchen, while I am still dressing.

Even though I am glad that we have improved this far, I have to admit that it still sounds weird to me. Weird to tell Nowaki such things to reassure him, whereas I have always been the one who needed his comfort. Weird to realize that in fact, Nowaki is as vulnerable as I am. Weird to realize that only _now_, since I was so preoccupied with my own fear to lose Nowaki.

Weird to realize how badly we know each other.

Can you love someone without even knowing him ?

I go and meet Nowaki in the kitchen. He has just set the table when he raises his head in my direction.

I just take a glimpse at his worried face before he hides it behind his smile.

"What is it, Nowaki? It's not like you to worry so early in the morning."

"Err, what are you talking about?"

"Don't play fool with me, I've seen that face, what's up?"

Nowaki crouches and begins to eat without any answer.

"Nothing. Nothing at all, I tell you."

Gosh. What is up in his mind this time?

"I am warning you, adopting a pet, even if it is a simple fish, is out of question. And for..."

For...Oops. I could have put myself in _very_ deep trouble.

Nowaki is waiting for me to continue, lifting his chopsticks up.

"And for...?"

"Nothing. Your turn to let it go.

Nowaki smiles again though genuinely this time.

"That makes us even then."

"You can say that."

There are still really essential things that we don't manage to tell each other. What each one is expecting from the other? How far can we go? What do we fear?

Which I could sum up in a single question, as simple as dreadful:

_Who is the other ?_

"Nowaki."

He stops eating, intrigued.

"Who are you?"

I would have broken up with him and yet he would have looked less affected.

I stand up to wash my bowl.

"I mean, I know nothing about you. Nothing at all. How you grew up, what you wish, what you like and what you don't. What you want to do, what you expect from me to do... Each time I learn something, I grab it piece by piece, after a misunderstanding or an argument."

And when I am about to leave the kitchen...

"But, Hiro-san... I don't know anything about you either. You too, you're acting like this."

I stop, tensed, clenched fists.

"That's because..."

...I don't like to speak about the past. But when I come to think about it, Nowaki's past is much more painful than mine.

To me, speaking about myself has always meant to be weak. It means that I depend on someone else.

But once again... It may mean the same to Nowaki too.

I am figuring out that, beside claiming day after day how much he loves me, he doesn't confess anything to me either.

We confess _nothing_ to each other.

We have been living together for years without telling each other anything. Like two strangers.

Because we both know fear. Fear to unveil ourselves.

It is even possible to love someone, and yet to be scared of him at the same time?

I don't say anything else and prepare myself to go to the university while Nowaki finishes the washing up.

How much longer will we go on like this?

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hello, Miyagi-sen..."

Errr...

Takatsuki-kun?

Kissing Miyagi with Miyagi's hand under his shirt and the other...

The other...

Nothing moves. Time freezes.

Takatsuki stands on his feet at once and rushes out of the office, head down, without even putting his shirt in order.

If his friends see him like this, the whole amphi will gossip for sure.

Miyagi, almost as embarrassed as his little one, knots his tie back in silence.

I put my bag down on my desk, sighing.

"Miyagi-sensei, you'll end up in trouble. You could be caught red-handed by anyone in this office. How many times have _I_ caught you at it? "

"I know, I know, Kamijou. You are my guardian angel."

"It is not funny! Do you want Takatsuki-kun to be expelled?"

"How touched I am by such a caring thought... What about me, then?"

"If you really worried about your career, you wouldn't take so much risk."

Miyagi says nothing, deep in thoughts.

"Shinobu is the only son of the dean of the university. I have been teaching here for over ten years now. Do you really believe that I don't feel responsible?"

"It's not that I mean."

"In the beginning, I did everything to get rid of Shinobu. And by "everything", I mean... Anyway, let's say it didn't work. Shinobu clunched on to me until he came to live at my place, a genuine parasite. And when he resigned himself to leave at last... I... I finally had to go fetch him back.**"**

I add nothing. After all, it sounds less complicated than between Nowaki and I.

"Shinobu is also my ex-brother-in-law, you know."

"What?!"

"Yep. That is to say, not only the son of the dean of the university, but also the son of my ex father-in-law, and the little brother of my ex-wife."

This time, it sounds _much more_ complicated than between Nowaki and I.

"You understand better how reluctant I was first."

It did not last long, but anyway.

"At least, I guess you've known each other for a long time."

Miyagi bursts out laughing, lying back on his chair.

"You are indeed cute! I'll never be fed up with discussing with you."

Instinctively, I seize the closest book, ready to fight back.

"Seeing a boy who is glaring at you at the corner of the church during your wedding day, and living with the same boy a few years later... there is, I can tell you, a slight contrast. Not to mention our age gap which is as unusual as the nature of our relationship. Do you know he was under-aged when he asked me out?"

For God's sake, he could have been arrested for pedophilia.

"If I were you, I would _really _avoid meeting him at the university. All the more now that you're already living together, right?"

Miyagi is looking at me, dead serious this time.

"I know it. Shinobu is the one who comes to me, under a pretext or the other. And then, we cannot resist. You know how stupid lovers are."

I can see he is speaking from experience. And by experience I understand as well.

"Plus, spending more time together means knowing each other better."

He stands up, ready for lunch.

"I owe you one paw! Thanks to his running away, I'll be able to hide from him that I don't eat his bentos one more day."

"You'd better teach him how to cook!"

Miyagi burst into a laugh once again, hand pushing the handle.

"Miyagi-sensei."

He freezes.

"Yes, Kamijou?"

"Why... why telling me all this?"

The old teacher gazes at me, smirking, looking both sad and carefree.

"If you wanted to bring us trouble, you would have told on us long ago. So, I don't see the point in hiding anything from you anymore."

"You didn't have to. It is none of my business."

"I thought you'd understand better than anyone."

"But still..."

"Kamijou. We've known each other for a long time. I know you don't speak to anyone. You're not my subordinate anymore, but my colleague. Don't you think it is time we started to discuss things seriously?"

After this, waving his hand lightly, he leaves the office at his usual carefree pace.

Left alone at my desk, I am standing here, stunned.

First Akihiko, then Hito-sensei, Nowaki and finally, Miyagi-sensei... Everything is pressuring me to take a step forward.

I should do something. I have to do something.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hello sir, it is your turn."

I leave the two falbberdoodles who keep glancing curiously at me above their magazines. They are probably wondering if I am single... How foolish.

Hito-sensei is bringing me to her office where the tea is waiting for us as usual.

"So", she begins while pouring some tea into my cup, "you've wished to meet me alone before the next appointment."

You're not kidding. She couldn't have begun _a bit_ smarter?! Nevertheless I force myself to act polite despite my irritation.

"As you can see."

Once again, I am wondering whether I was right to come here. What did I expect from coming here anyway?

Apparently, she was wondering the same.

"To be honest, I was quite surprised by your call. During the previous appointments, you always did your best to speak as little as possible."

She sits down after filling her own cup.

"What do you expect from me then?"

My braingears are working like crazy, I answer right back.

"There's something... or more precisely, someone, who I can't speak to Nowaki about. Therefore, I can't tell him anything at all."

"Why? Did you..."

"No, no, nothing like that! I certainly did not cheat on Nowaki. Nor would I ever do such a thing. It is just that this person... well, let's say... I have still not forgotten about him."

Hito-sensei raises an eyebrow. She puts her cup down without having touched it yet.

"I need you to explain. Since your partner is not here, please note that everything will remain between us. Or else, why would you have come?"

"Well, there is a friend of mine I could have told instead of you, but he is precisely the one that I want to talk about."

"Since you came, tell me then."

Yet I'll keep Akihiko's identity a secret. Judging by her previous fan-girl reaction, she would easily figure out who he is and I really have other business to do than look for a sign.

"He is a childhood friend and... my first love. He is the one I had my first kiss with. For a long time I have believed he loved me the same until he met Tak... someone else. But this other person got married. It broke his heart. He had nobody but me to talk to."

I swallow with difficulty before going on.

"Then I... I told myself it was now or never. I took benefit of this moment of weakness to tell him that I... I would never let him down. And we made love."

Hito-sensei raises her eyebrows again, stunned.

"You mean, that he accepted your feelings?"

Geez, what the heck took over me to give her so many details? But now, I couldn't turn back anymore.

"That's... a bit more complicated than that. He was so desperate that I told him he just had to pretend I was Tak... this other person. I thought that this way, I could lead him to love me for real."

"Of course, it didn't work."

"No. He called me by _his_ name. Afterwards I understood it was hopeless. That's how I came to avoid him after having grown up for 12 years by his side."

"You've never seen him again after that?"

"Well, no... until a few days after I met Nowaki. He was worried about me, so he had rung at my door to check on my condition. Nowaki was there."

I make a pause, recalling the scene, my stupefaction towards the possessive behaviour of this annoying student who had burst into my flat without even asking.

Hito-sensei drags me out of my thoughts.

"What happened then? He got jealous ?"

"Sort of. Nowaki covered my eyes and threw to Aki...to my friend a _'please excuse me, but I'll take Hiro-san from you'_ and blam! He slammed the door at his face."

I sigh, emptying my cup.

"What a fool. Of course, my friend didn't come back afterwards."

"And so, ever since...?"

"I had to meet him again about... one of my students. But I still do my best to avoid him."

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious, after all that happened?"

"It was obvious back then. But now, fours years have gone by and you're involved with someone else. What about your friend?"

"He's with someone too. And he loves him... for real."

At least enough to put his nose into my private life when Takahashi is involved.

"In that case, why not to settle this matter once and for all, to enable both of you to go on?"

"He isn't the one I want to settle anything with... It would be more likely be with Nowaki."

"Do you mean he might be still jealous?"

"Well, I have never talked to him about my past, even less about Aki... about this person."

"Why not to do it then?"

"That's that... I don't know much about him either."

"You are waiting for him to make the move, then."

I am clutching my fists, tensed. I can see her coming. _Who decides first, who's on top, _and bla bla bla.

"You're a very suspicious one, Kamijou-san. So suspicious, that Kusama-san may suffer of it too. His silence may be his answer to yours."

Smirking with a disdainful smile, I reply back.

"You find him silent, when he is the one who speaks the most of us two?"

"You have probably understood what I said better than that. Did he tell you his past, his fears, his tastes, his projects? Here or at home?"

I shut up. No. Of course not.

He keeps repeating me that he loves me, and attempts to prove it more or less clumsily. But he says nothing else.

Then, he would do it only to cover up my own silence?

"Kamijou-san, you must know that fear is the most powerful emotion for every human being. It appears even more in relationships. Even more in _your_ relationship."

Hito-sensei stands up to put an end to our discussion.

"I think it is high time you come out and talk to him yourself. He will be probably be glad about it."

And, leading me to the door, she adds with a smile:

"Maybe he will even add it to the list of your first moves."**  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hiro-san? Hiro-san!"

Drat. I've fallen asleep on the couch once again. Gosh, I don't have any resistance against fatigue or what?

"Ah, Nowaki, I was waiting for you."

"I can see that. How many times have I told you..."

"Yeah, yeah. But I have something I want to tell you."

Judging by his face, he is waiting for the worst to come. I tried not to say "we need to talk", but after all, it somehow means the same.

"Nowaki, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

Geez, it's so hard. But if I do nothing, say nothing...

"You never tell me anything. You're here, you repeat that you love me, but you don't say anything. And even so, it wouldn't be so different than usual if it was just that, but you also seem more and more worried, more and more often. You space around, you avoid me..."

Nowaki rises his head ready to protest. As a defense reaction, I raise my voice without realizing it. Now that I'm inspired, stopping in the middle is out of question.

"And you know what, I am fed up with it! Why do I always have to drag out your answers to get anything from what's going on in your head? Aren't you done playing this little game?"

I stop to breathe, but when Nowaki opens his mouth back...

"Making the first move? You can tell! If I weren't always investigating, you would still be a complete stranger to me. And I still can't understand you! In comparison, you know everything about me. And then, youblame me for acting the same?"

"I...you"..

I don't know exactly how to define Nowaki's face. Disappointment? Wrath? Stupefaction? The three of them?

"Usami-san."

What?

"That's because of Usami-san."

Excuse-me?

But...why can't I speak anymore? I have to ask him aloud!

"What are you..."

"Before I woke you up, you were dreaming."

Oh no, don't tell me...

"You called his name."

Oh f uck...


	6. Chapter 6 : confessions (1)

_**Hello dear fellows readers and writers ! **_

_**I told you it would be in about a month...Well, guess I am motivated ! Anyway, here it is, and things are going pretty fast now. **_

_**Again, my special thanks to Druidsorcerer and her infinite support :D. **_

_**Of course, my special thanks to the reviewers who has been encouraging and helping me to go further !**_

_**As usual, reviews are very welcome ! And be sure to get an answer :). **_

_**Well, that's it :)**_

_**Hope you'll enjoy !**_

xxxxxxxxxxx

"You called his name."

Bam.

I don't know what to say.

Nowaki is standing in front of me, downhearted, almost disdainful.

"And this is not the first time."

Bam.

Words are pouring like stones.

"Did you see him again?"

"Nowaki, you..."

"Answer me."

"But it has nothing to do with it!"

"You saw him, right?"

The absurdity of this dead-end situation is blowing at my face.

"Stop your nonsense! What I told you has nothing to do with it!"

Nowaki doesn't reply. He keeps glaring at me with his dark blue eyes.

I am glaring at him too. Aghast by such an abrupt turnaround of situation.

If I had ever expected something like that...

So, here it was. The reason for all those worried looks, for so many days?

Or maybe for much longer?

Would Nowaki have been always jealous towards Akihiko, since he saw our photo, which had slipped out of my book?

At last, he turns back and walks to the bathroom.

"Nowaki, wait!"

He doesn't stop.

Hey, but wait, for God's sake!

Uh?

Did I just rush to catch up with him?

What am I doing, clutching his arm?

"Let me go."

No. Out of question. I am clutching him even tighter, unable to speak.

"I said, let me go."

He turns back, looks at me, and his eyes make me freeze.

Blue and grey icebergs.

And that look...

It expresses nothing. _Nothing! _

Gosh, he's convinced I have cheated on him!

I can't let it stay like this!

"Nowaki, nothing happened, stop this bullshit!"

Still no answer. I am usually the one acting like that.

Now, I know how it feels to bump against a wall of silence. And I wouldn't wish that to my worst enemy.

Finally, disbelief turns into anger.

I let him go, clenched teeth, fulminating, my demonic aura spiraling around me.

"You see, you _got it_, now? All that I have been feeling for all these years, with you telling me nothing? That whole year without anything from you? When your dear Tsumori-senpai was lying half naked on the floor against you? When he threw himself in your arms?"

"I told you it was a misunderstanding."

"Because you think that in _this_ case, it's _not__ a m__isunderstanding__ ?_**_  
_**

"You've already been with him. I've never known any man but you."

"Girls, maybe?"

Nowaki answers nothing. I understand it as I want.

"I could perfectly blame you for it, then."

"No, I've never been with anybody but you."

Geez. How would I know, after all?

"But you, you've already been involved with someone. After all, I've already met him."

Words are barging out despite me.

"You have no clue about Akihiko and me."

Nowaki googles his eyes, stunned. I bite my lips. I can't figure out what the heck took me to snap back at him like that. How could I blame him for it? When it is all my fault!

"I know you're close enough to call him by his forename. And to call out his name in your sleep like that."

He turns back again, to the bedroom.

"And that's enough."

How can a man who has once lain half naked on the floor against someone else, in _my_ flat at that time, how can he _dare_ say such a thing?

Nowaki shuts the door.

Tears of rage are reaching my eyes. Heat glows around my body.

I am literally burning from inside, from all this frustration, piled up in silence, for months, for years.

Nowaki... Moron!

Moron!

My feet are hammering against the door from all my strength.

Each blow goes with the same word.

"Moron, moron, MORON!"

But silence only is the answer I get.

Why can I feel my cheeks wet?

I realize that Nowaki has shut the door of the bedroom. The one I have been bumping against for a while. No matter how hard I try to get through, it would not open for me, no matter what I say, it will not melt away and let me get close to him. I am tired once again.

Sore, worn out, I step out slowly to the living room to rest as much as I can on the couch.

Moron...

xxxxxxxxxxxx

The day after, sunlight awakens me.

I take a glimpse at my watch. 7 am. I'm not late.

I stand up to take breakfast.

On the kitchen table, prepared meals are waiting for me, under plastic film.

Nowaki has already left, then...

I don't bother myself to warm the meals.

I am eating in silence, downhearted. Feeling all the more down that all I am eating is delicious, even cold. It is incredible that he did all this for me after all that happened, only a few hours ago.

I despise myself.

I called him a moron yesterday, but in fact, this is all my fault.

If I had explained to him what Akihiko was to me since the beginning, if I had told _him _about the dream, instead of this stupid therapist, if... if I had trusted him...

...and above all... if I were more confident...

If I had simply been more honest with him, with myself...

Nothing would have happened.

I could have told him all I wanted to say, without letting that stupid other matter take precedence.

Because, in fact, this is indeed stupid. Not only is there nothing between Akihiko and me, but also there never really was something, even in the past; nor was there any chance for it.

Plus, the guy is actually very far from thinking that he was the reason of our argument yesterday. Right now, his mind is surely focusing on his next manuscript and his own issues with Takahashi.

Anyway. I grasp my bag and walk heavily to the university.

It's going to be a long day.

"Hi, Kamijou!"

The light in Miyagi's eyes switches off at once when I make my apparition.

A subtle combination of dark clouds and evil energy is glowing around me as I come closer to my desk.

That is my special shield when I don't want to be disturbed.

When I leave the office for my first course, a light voice raises, despite the danger:

"Just avoid throwing chalk everywhere, this time, alright?"

The usual melody of the end of the course echoes through the buildings. Sighing, I take back my bag to go for lunch.

"Errrr...Kamijou-sensei?"

Geez. Questions. That's odd. Usually students run away from the amphi as fast as possible. At least this one shows a minimum of interest.

Let's greet him for this move, then. I don't have enough strength anymore to get angry anyway.

I lift my eyes up to pay a minimum of attention.

Takahashi.

Gosh, amongst all of them it had to be him?

All my previous good thoughts fading away at once, I dive back in my bag to hide my anger.

"What do you want ?"

"I...I...Usagi...I mean, Usami-sensei has sent me to tell you..."

I am dreaming!

"...that he wants to discuss something with you."

I jump from my desk, glaring at the boy with all my height, wings spreading, the great dragon roaring behind me, with red eyes.

Takahashi looks like a mouse between tiger's claws, I yell :

"If Akihiko wants to tell me something, then he just come by himself! And you, mind your own studies and your own business!"

"But..."

"He wants to speak, then he goes at my f..."

My abrupt interruption makes Takahashi to look behind.

Guess who is standing at the door?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Akihiko is standing against the door frame, cold ciggy at the corner of his mouth, hands in pockets, in his usual suits.

"Misaki, you go to the car? It won't last long."

Takahashi frowns immediately, surely furious to have paid for playing the messenger for nothing.

"No, I'll go home on my own. Sorry."

"Misaki..."

"There's something you want to talk about, right? Then leave me alone, I'm a university student, not a primary school brat!"

After this, the brat rushes head down towards Akihiko to leave the place.

Akihiko does nothing else but sighs, stepping forward.

"You really have a gift for spreading chaos around you."

I hold myself no to throw my stuff at his face. It's the pot calling the kettle black, nothing less.

"As expected from 'Mitsuhashi's demon'."

"Shut up! What are you doing here anyway?"

"You boyfriend has come over."

Nowaki? What has he done again?

I am waiting for Akihiko to go on in vain. Akihiko takes his lighter from his pocket before recalling that we are still in the amphitheater.

"Come, let's talk somewhere else."

'Somewhere else', means 'not at his place', then. He must fear as much as I do that Nowaki might rush in without warning into the middle of the discussion.

We pass by the crimson car. I have believed for a second that Akihiko would drive us somewhere, but it was an insult at his cleverness. Besides, it doesn't take long before he teaches me the lesson:

"I am not such a fool, Hiroki."

I am tired of being an open book.

We don't walk very far in the end. In the usual park where I go when I have the blues. Where I also met Nowaki for the first time, by the way.

We are walking to the core of the park, next to the waterfall. I notice a bench, but we pass by without stopping.

"Akihiko?"

"I don't like benches. I have spotted a quiet place. There, we can talk."

He come closer to a bunch of trees a few steps ahead. I am beginning to feel ill-at-ease. On a bank, we would never catch the attention. But there..

"Don't worry, two friends are perfectly allowed to sit on the grass under the sun. Especially when nobody's paying attention."

When we arrive at the bottom of the trees, without thinking I take a glimpse at their top. Now I understand why he chose this place.

Under the shiny sun, light is piercing through the leaves and make the blue sky paler than it really is. A perfect merging of colors and lights.

That old Akihiko.

He is gazing at me, smiling. Come on, could you stop to read in my mind for a change?

"I knew you'd like this place."

At this precise moment, I realize that, as thoughtful as Akihiko may be, I just couldn't live with someone who, not only knows me better than himself, but who also takes profit of it to tease me, leaving me defenseless. How does Takahashi to stand him? Finally, this unpersonal kid rises a bit in my own estimate.

We sit facing each other, he against a tree, me on the ground, exactly the way we used to as children.

I had forgotten why we came here until I heard Akihiko speaking.

"So, as I told you, Nowaki barged into my house."

He sighs and lights up his cigarette.

"I am occupied with my manuscript though I have already crossed the deadline. Really, I am busy enough not to get involved in your love issues, believe me."

"And you... Do you believe that I am doing all this just for fun?"

"He seemed furious, but he behaved. It was for his own good anyway. How do you think I felt when I opened the door and discovered a guy, who looked as angry as the first time I met him, just before he slammed the door at my face?"

"Did... did he say something?"

"Sure he did. I didn't get everything, though. Not at the beginning. He told me he would never give up, that sort of thing."

The moron, the moron, the moron!

"I finally invited in him for tea, asking him to explain to me exactly what had happened."

"And so?"

"Nothing. He refused and left."

"Then, you came to me so that _I_ would explain what happened to you?"

"I find myself implied with something absolutely not of my concern, without having any clue of what is going on. Once again, I have other business to do than to deal with a grown-up kid who barges at my place."

A grown-up kid. Exactly.

"Akihiko, I apologize for his behaviour. I'll sort things out so that it won't happen again."

When I raise a knee to stand up...

"I won't let you go before you tell me everything."

Geez! I'm screwed.

But in fact...what am I really running away from? What's the point in struggling so much when everything, even my subconscious, leads me to clear things up?

I suddenly realize that my pride which insists that I tell nothing, confess to no one, my so-called independent spirit, is nothing in fact but cowardice.

Because i have understood how much I need Nowaki. And even more, how much I need friends to speak with. To confess without any twisted thought, without feeling like I would betray Nowaki.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want _us_ to be alone anymore.

To tell the truth, I am tired of struggling against wind mills. I am fed up with all these pointless arguments, all this wasted energy between people who love each other, just because they are clumsy.

The time to think about it, I am staring at the top of the trees. And I am smiling despite myself.

"Do...Do you remember the time, when you taught me the idiom "to dig one's one grave"?"

"You mean, when we kissed?"

Wh...Don't say such things aloud!

"Ye...Yeah, well, I...I have always...erm..."(I take a deep breath) "I have always wondered...what...what it meant for you."

Why did I have to blush at this moment? _Why_?

Akihiko is gazing at me, as indifferent as usual. As clueless to me as I am an open book to him.

"You were sad. I just wanted to comfort you."

"But...You're perfectly aware that it is not really the usual thing for a boy to comfort another, aren't you?"

"I don't know. I've never really thought about it. I've once read in a book that the little girl was crying, and that the boy kissed her."

"But... precisely, it was a girl!"

"So what? It worked on you too, right?"

That's very like him. After all, he's always been all alone.

"Why are you asking this?"

I feel myself put at a dead end and once again, nowhere to hide.

"I...I thought you were in love with me!"

The heat rising to my cheeks is so intense, I am going to blow I really say that aloud?

"You really fell in love with me, then."

"You kiss someone, you hold his hands, you've been with him for hours, and you don't have any clue about it? And you daresay to me that you read my mind a easily as your books?"

Akihiko remain stunned. He keeps staring quietly at me with his grey eyes.

I feel so much embarrassed that I can barely breathe, but I force myself to go on.

"And this time, when we...we..."

Akihiko googles. His ciggy has been spent for some time.

"How could you do such a thing without any feeling for me? Even when I suggested to you that we...you didn't get it at all?"

I still can't figure out how I am able to tell, at last, the words I've been dreaming about for so many years. Tears are pouring despite myself from shame and frustration.

"You're that much indifferent to what's going on around you that you don't even realize how much you can hurt! And then, you play the best friend, who is worried and goes to see how I am doing with no warning? You fool!"

Finally, I can't retain myself anymore, I let my tears flow freely down my cheeks. I hear the grass rustling behind me.

"Do not even dare to do the same thing as 15 years ago, Akihiko, or you'll pay for it this time."

It's still rustling. I feel a big warm hand on my back.

"Hiroki, I am sorry. Excuse-me."

Surprise stops my crying. He sounds so sincere.

"I didn't want to hurt you. You know well that I had fallen in love with Takahiro at that time. I was so sad I...I don't know what I was thinking. I am really sorry."

I rise, putting myself somehow together.

"No, don't, I have to apologize too. Past is the past. After all, I too have been a fool. I mean, only a fool could suggest such a thing. I had acted without even considering the consequences."

I am smiling despite myself. "To dig his own grave", precisely that. I really have to change if I don't want to die young.

"Now, I am with Nowaki and... I don't want to let him go."

Akihiko smiles while lighting a new cigarette. For God's sake, couldn't he feel a bit more concerned about his health?

"And I, I love Misaki, and I don't want to let him go either."

If you love him that much, quit smoking!

Hey, since we've been that far, let's ask him.

"Akihiko, I know how cheeky it sounds from me, but since I heard that you and Takahashi-kun were together, I've always wanted to ask..."

Akihiko looks right back at me. Ouch, such a change. As cold as steel.

"Please don't tell me you dare to ask me if I replaced the big brother by the younger?"

Ahem... Instinctively, I remain motionless. That's what I've always been told when facing a dangerous animal ready to pounce at any second.

"To answer you, no. It has nothing to do with it. Misaki and Takahiro are not alike at all anyway."

"So... Sorry, I'm stupid."

Akihiko stands up without denying it. That's a bit cruel from him, but I earned what I got after all.

As we are reaching the university to enable Akihiko to join his car, he shows me two tickets.

"I will be there for signing a few books for the release of my new novel next month. It will please me to see you both after you sort things out. See you soon then."

"Thanks... See... See you soon."

"If both of you come, come right at the beginning, I don't guarantee I'll be able to bear it until the end."

I look the crimson car fading away, holding both tickets in my hand.

...

Okay, this time, someone is gonna pay for it!


	7. Chapter 7 : the power of words

**_Hello fellows readers and writers ! _**

**_Here's the seventh of my ten chapters saga around Egoist ! Here's one of the most crucial scenes of the plot ! _**

**_05/25/13 : as promised, I have rewritten the lemon scene completely. I sincerely apology for having been way too shy the first time I wrote it, it made the whole thing pretty awkward._**

**_No more spoilers, I'll let you enjoy ;)_**

**_Thanks to all of you who have already reviewed, favorited, followed, PM'd ! These updates are all here thanks to your support !  
_**

**_To the new readers, thanks to be here, and as usual, please review !_**

xxxxxxxxxxx

I didn't expect Nowaki to be at home when I went back. No illusion there. He has already been used to going home late enough before our last argument and this one has certainly not made things go easier.

However, I didn't expect him to be completely out of sight either.

I am even wondering if he goes by the flat sometimes. The only proof I ever get about it are the daily meals that he keeps cooking for whatever reason that I can't figure out.

I really don't get it.

If he is still so thoughtful, that does mean that it is not over between us, right? I hardly believe that he is doing all of this only because it has become a habit.

So, has he decided to give us some space, to give himself the time to think and to calm down? To put things together?

For how long, then? And what for?

Geez, Nowaki and his impulses!

Exactly when I want to clear things out once and for all... Well, at least, this time, I know he didn't run away to the United States.

That's already a good start.

The weekend arrives with no sign from Nowaki. We have been apart the whole week. Though I've spent days and nights waiting for him (that I'd really rather not between two working days, believe me), I couldn't figure out when he sent these meals. All that I got is that he is obviously takeing advantage of my being at work to deliver them during that time.

And I can't get it _at all_.

What does he want to prove? Is it a kind of punishment?

Or maybe... No, I hardly believe the food to be poisoned. I mean, Nowaki would never do such a thing...

At the same time, he can get pretty aggressive when it comes about me.

I can perfectly recall the volley of blows he gave to Miyagi when he had tried to kiss me. Something else that I can't get, by the way. Well, now, I don't give a damn about Miyagi's feelings back then. He's crazy enough to have just meant it as a joke. Or maybe he's the kind of guy who, like Akihiko, is able to do such a thing only to comfort someone else.

Another point I'd like to clear out, one day, if it interests me enough. Right now, that's the least of my problems.

All I want is to find Nowaki.

Where can this fool be, anyway?

On Saturday, on Sunday, I stay in the apartment without even going out, hoping to intercept the one who delivers the meals, if not the fool himself.

But no one comes, nor the meals by the way. Good that I am not naïve enough to have counted on it or I would have starved the whole week-end.

I content myself with instant noodles I bought on Friday evening. At least, isolation enables me to focus on my work much more than usual.

On Monday evening, prepared meals are back.

After 15 days of this situation, I am really fed up.

OK. The game is over.

I don't like it at all, but the brat doesn't give me much choice.

I have to go to this workplace.

Yet, the last time I went there...

Anyway, let's hope nobody remembers me, especially that I don't come across Tsumori!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I arrive in a perfect suit, gelled hair, to look as different as possible from last time. I was going to put on sunglasses when I realized it would be too much. Either they would think I'm a Matrix cosplayer, or a yakuza.

Seems that this simple disguise is enough to make me get into the hospital causing no fuss. But still, I have to reach the pediatrics department. Not really an easy thing when you're a single man with no kid to use as a pretext.

Whereas... With a bit of imagination...

"Hello sir, who are you looking for?"

"Could you please tell me where can I find Tsumori-sensei of the pediatrics department?"

"Yes, for which patient?'

"I don't have a child. Or more precisely, not yet."

"Ah... _Oh_!"

"Yes, you've got my point. My wife and I have taken a appointment with him. No... Kusama-sensei had recommended us. It is only to prepare for the next consultation. It won't last long."

That is, I've begun to be used to deal with therapists...

I'm not sure if my clumsy excuse would stand long, nor if the girl has understood everything. However, quoting two doctor names from the pediatrics department has obviously had this little effect.

"He is at the ground floor, left wing, next door to the maternity department. Tsumori-sensei is working tonight, so, he must already be there."

"Thank you very much."

I hesitate before walking through the designated glass door. Not that I don't know the place. I've just asked to the main entrance out of sheer politeness, to ensure that I would be allowed to go here.

It's just that... last time, I hit one of the doctors (the same Tsumori sensei, actually...) and ran away before someone called the police, Nowaki chasing after me.

And above all... I am afraid of finding Nowaki there right now. The secretary didn't say anything about him.

I take a deep breath before going inside.

A bunch of kids are surrounding the doctors. I spot Tsumori-sensei, notebook in hand. He almost lets it fall down when recognizing me. I hurry to bow before he calls the security.

Bowing even further, I adopt the most respectful tone I am capable of (while clenching my fists not to give him another punch).

"Good evening, Tsumori-sensei, may I talk to you for a second?"

My face makes him understand that there is only one possible answer. He remains speechless, obviously having no clue of how to react.

"Please be assured it won't last long. I'd like to ask you a piece of advice for my wife. You know who I am talking about."

The other doctors are listening to us, intrigued. I hope he understands my message. He is the only one able to anyway.

I really feel like a clown playing his skit right now... And yet, after coming this far into the act, I don't have another choice but to go on playing my little game.

Nowaki, if I get you...

"Err... Oh yes! Yes, yes... I see. Please follow me into my office."

Surprise makes me start. Tsumori seems embarrassed but obviously, he's decided to play his part properly.

Despite my attempt, a bit desperate I have to admit, I didn't expect him to be kind. I suddenly remember that he is supposed to be Nowaki's best friend.

After all, didn't he recommend Hito-sensei to us for this reason?

He closes the door behind me before sitting behind his desk. His office is very simple, painted in white, with only the big wide desk and the cupboard as furniture, a computer, the phone and a few folders spread opened.

Smirking at me as he has always done, Tsumori folds his hands before him.

"Well, well, mister, is it possible that the morning sickness went even worse?"

"Stop it, you moron! Where's Nowaki?"

"At my place."

"He... WHAT?"

"Easy, or I'll call for the security."

The asshole, the jerk!

He throws some keys at me, on the desk.

I am staring at him as if I didn't know what they were made for.

"Here are my keys. I have a double. He must be at home at this time of the night.

"I don't understand. What are you playing at?"

"At the best friend. You haven't still understood that there was absolutely nothing else between us?"

"'Coz you don't find my doubts legitimate after all your last moves?"

"But you were so jealous... I couldn't help myself but tease you a little..."

I suddenly stand up to him. He threatens me by inching his index finger closer to the security call button. I freeze.

And sit down.

After all, with Miyagi and Akihiko, I should be used to sadistic jokes...

"But I have to tell you, he doesn't want to see you at any cost. I didn't really get why, but he seems really hurt."

"Why do you help me to see him then?"

"First, because he's become impossible. Second, because I know avoiding each other won't solve anything. Last, because I am fed up with playing the delivery boy from my apartment to yours."

"I'm sorry?"

"I am the one who has delivered all the "pizzas" and believe me, I am really sick of it. Even with Nowaki paying me back in housework"

I can't believe it. That leaves me speechless.

"Go. At least, see it as a way to apologize for my previous behavior."

"Stop acting magnanimous! What are you gonna do tonight?"

"Go and see my girlfriend. It's been some time because of that fool, she'll be relieved."

And when I leave the office, totally bemused, unable to manage saying the least to thank him, Tsumori claims while opening the door:

"My respects to your wife."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

When I arrive to his address and step inside the apartment, it's empty.

Good. That makes things easier.

As tensed as ever, I am waiting next to the door. I take a glimpse at my watch.

10 pm.

He has finished his work, what the hell is he doing so late?

Go to the Konbini perhaps? That would sound very like him.

An hour flies by... I have finally sit down but I'm way to afraid to fall asleep.

I throw a look around me while keeping my ears wide open. It's a real mess here: clothes spread on the couch, left-overs from the last lunch on the living room table, papers accumulated on the desk, and so on.

Without realizing it, I begin to tidy the place and begin with the books.

I am reading the titles while piling the books into my arms. There are not only books about modern medicine, but also about poetry, history, traditional medicine, geography...

I didn't expect these two being so curious and cultivated.

One more thing I didn't have a clue about. What next?

Well, I have to confess that each rare time Nowaki tried to mention his friend, I didn't let him finish, since I was so angry about him.

No wonder I don't know anything then.

...

Ah... Something's coming through the corridor.

I step closer like a thief, ignoring the books I am holding in my arms. The lock is triggered, the door grates...

_clik..._

_clik..._

_giiiiiii..._

"HOLD!"

Books are trashing down on Nowaki's head before I throw him on the ground with all my weight.

He lets something fall. Fruits are rolling on the ground.

He's indeed been to the Konbini, after all...

A second later, Nowaki lays face against the floor, firmly maintained arms behind him.

Seems that my old kendo lessons are still efficient.

I think that Nowaki is a little overwhelmed by all he's just got.

Silence. Until I regain my temper. Nowaki tries to raise his head to identify his assailant. He looks at the books all around us...

"Hi... _Hiro-san?_"

Caught red-handed. I have forgotten that book bombs were my trademark.

"Let me go! It's not a game!"

"Precisely, the game is over."

He tries to free himself in vain. In his posture, height and strength are useless. I clutch his arms tighter to prevent him from moving any more.

The past few weeks are coming up in my mind and get my temper even more. I am more determined than ever.

"Okay, Nowaki, you don't have the slightest idea about all that I've gone through to come and get you, so you'll keep quiet and listen carefully."

"I..."

"Shut up and listen."

I loosen my grasp and quickly turn him on his back to look right into his eyes.

"Akihiko is a childhood friend, nothing more, nothing else. You must have figured it out while finding this old photo."

"You..."

"Yes, that's true, I've dreamt about him. And you know what, I've been dreaming of him for weeks, again and again. To make you understand, I have to explain the context to you ."

Words are pouring. I tell him everything. Akihiko, our first kiss. His loneliness and his kindness. My early bad temper and my expectations. Our shared love for literature. His notebooks.

Takahiro.

Our first and last night four years ago. The emptiness it left me with.

Me meeting Nowaki for the first time, four years ago.

He looks right back at me, quiet, obviously stunned.

I am shaking but force myself to go on.

"This is how the dream begins: I am running away from my home once again and I hope to find Akihiko in our hidden place. It's raining cats and dogs, but I'm so impatient that I don't care."

Nowaki's eyes become harder. I don't let him express his jealousy.

"What you don't know is, he is not there. Someone has replaced him."

No reaction.

"You. You are sitting against his favorite tree."

He googles his eyes. Gosh, how dense he is sometimes!

"And that's not the end of it! I... I... You..."

"It's really starting to be embarrassing.

"You... you tell me... that Akihiko has allowed you to take his place. You... you see how sodden I am... and... and..."

Nowaki tries to rise.

"Hiro-san..."

"No. I am not stopping. You come closer to me. You kiss me. Your... your hands..."

Geez, will I ever finish?

Huh?

Nowaki has relaxed completely. He's still laying on this back, me on him, my hands blocking his, but he doesn't fight anymore, nor even try to reply back.

"You... you hug me, and I forget everything... You... Warm me..."

Tears are rising. Geez, when I come to think that as a child, I'd decided not to cry anymore... I despise myself.

"Nowaki..."

One of my tears falls down his cheek. I can see emotion getting to him too.

Thus, I try once more. "Nowaki... I..."

Come on, say it, you dumbass!

"I... I... I l..."

It's hopeless. Like the dream. I can't say it.

Which immediately turns into a tantrum.

"What I am doing here anyway?! You barged into my house, you made a mess of everything, you decide everything all alone with no consideration for me, you go away leaving no sign, and I still feel like running after you!"

"Hiro-san..."

"Leave me alone, for once! You piss me off!"

I feel heat around me.

"When I think that I have already told you all this, and that you could still imagine that I could cheat on you... I didn't make such a fuss about you and Tsumori in comparison. "

This time, Nowaki reacts at once.

"He's a friend too. I swear, there's nothing between us. I just went to his place coz..."

"I know. He told me how to find you."

I show him the keys. Nowaki remains silent one more time. I go on.

"And I take back all I said about him. Now, I understand how much of a friend he is to you. Do you even realize all that he did when you "ran away"? Do you realize how demanding you are, asking him to play the delivery service?"

Nowaki looks away, ashamed.

"Hiro-san... Sorry... I didn't know what to do... I am so..."

I muffle his pointless words with a kiss. A deep kiss.

"Save you apologies for Tsumori."

I kiss him again. All against him, so close after two weeks without a single glance, a single word, a single touch, I realize how much I missed him. This kiss only manages to increase my craving for him even more. After this I can't go back. I need him. It exasperates me, it unnerves me, it shames me all the more that I had to come down, throwing away my pride, to fetch him but... This is a fact. I just can't help it. I want him. Right now.

I kiss him deeper without loosening my grip. My hands slide under his shirt all by themselves. Still kissing, I let them blindly explore the curves and the lines of his soft and hot skin. His pounding heart, his hard nipples, his pecs, his flat belly, his muscled abdomen, and further below, under his pants... His shivers and sweats from the contact with my own cold skin... Each inch of his living and breathing surface... I can feel it all. Such a prolonged touch is worth all the pictures in the world... I let myself be overwhelmed by this exclusive sense. I begin to feel dizzy, drunk already of his firm skin, his sweet tongue and his warm lips. Despite our clothes, my hips are already grinding against his, by sheer reflex. When I realize it, I blush deeper, since it expresses so much of my own yearning for him. My cheeks turn even more crimson when I find myself unable to stop. Nowaki reacts very quickly. He raises his legs to thrust back. The way he answers with his tongue, explores my own chest with his warm and wide paws, the way his body hardens under my thighs... I can tell that the man is starving himself.

What a fool, to have punished both of us for so long, while we need each other so much...

At this thought, all the worries, all the angst, all the frustration of these past few weeks resurface in my mind like a slap on the face. Suddenly, my vision blurred from anger, I unconsciously grab his shirt where my hands have landed and snatch it in one single gesture. Nowaki's eyes widen from astonishment at such an unexpected harshness. He rises on his elbows, trying to stand. Immediately, I lay all my weight on him, to prevent him from leaving the floor. I dive my eyes into his as if to drown him under my anger and my desire.

This time, I'm not bluffing. I'm way too high to be afraid anymore, anyway. High and angry that I am unable to tell him what he keeps hammering into me until he drives me mad.

With one hand, I snatch my own shirt and carelessly throw the ruined piece of cloth without a single glance at the buttons bouncing on the floor around us.

As to protect myself from this new ratio of nudity, I glare even harder at Nowaki, right in the very blue of his eyes. He stares at me back in silence, stunned. Then smiles. And relaxes completely under my grip. His lips part as if he was marveling at the sight that I am offering to him. His next whisper confirms my suspicions.

"Hiro-san, you are so gorgeous like this."

These mere single words have the power to make me break all eye-contact at once. I turn my head away, in a pathetic attempt to hide my increasing blush and embarrassment. How can so few words sweep so much of my anger away?

"Shut up, idiot!"

I kiss him even harsher not to let him know that I'm not _that_ furious anymore. Though I guess he has figured out already. How annoying. We are both half naked, laid on the entrance hall floor, and I don't intend the slightest to let him get away with that.

Well, it is not as if it sounded like a punishment for this reckless fool of a giant anyway. I loosen my grip on his wrists.

He doesn't move from an inch, except for his smile, which widens, and his eyes, which narrows from laughter, glittering from heat and curiosity.

I take profit of my two free hands to open his buckle and his jeans. He takes profit of his regained freedom of movement to do so on me. Again, I seize his hands which are already sweeping my pants away from my hips. Again, it isn't enough to dissimulate my excitement. Again, I reply back by retrieving his own clothes. And again, nothing seems to please Nowaki more than that which embarrasses me the most. Still smiling widely, he lets me strip him naked without a single move.

I am all against him, encaged between his legs, his chest under mine. We gaze at each other, panting from our previous moves and from excitement. Silence becomes heavier and heavier.

Will I go all the way, this time? That's the question I can read in Nowaki's confident and curious eyes. Which gets at my temper one more time.

"Hiro-san..."

"Shut up!"

I gag him again with a kiss.

This time, Nowaki raises his head to kiss deeper, almost pushing mine. His tongue dives further along mine. The more we kiss, the more thirsty we get. I lift the back of his head with one hand to make our exchange last as long as possible, while I slowly lower the other hand between his thighs to make him ready for my next move.

While he hardens even more at this new contact, his breath accelerates. I can feel his heart pounding more and more furiously, as if to rival the racing speed of mine. Our synchronized chests throb faster and deeper after each move.

I finally break the kiss in a last thrust of my tongue to let it slide down his neck. I breathe slowly in his ear and nape, as he loves to do to me so much. He lets a low moan escape from his swollen lips while he stretches his legs, to relax from his aroused state which must have become painful at this point of the process. This first moan from my giant arouses me even more. I grit my teeth to prevent myself from moaning back.

Judging by what I can see, he is way more sensitive than me in the neck.

Interesting.

I haven't really gotten the occasion to discover his erogenous parts. Time to experiment then.

My lowered hand still digging in him, I let the other glide down his chest while I keep exploring his nape with my parted lips.

"Ngh... Hiro-san... I'm..."

"Shhhh."

My tongue and lips trace down his torso, bite gently his nipples while my free hand rubs his sides.

"Ngh!"

I can't help but smile with victory each time I make him moan. Though repressing myself is even more difficult after each second.

"Hiro-san... I'm... I'm going to..."

"Relax a bit or it gonna be painful."

I slide up back to his face, to mutter in his ears:

"After all, this is your 'first time', right?"

Nowaki's eyes suddenly widen. Apparently, he hasn't even realized it before.

I am smirking. Four years making love and still a virgin?

Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

He is staring at me, uncertain. He still seems to wonder whether I'm about go all the way or not.

To answer, I tighten my embrace, bring him even closer, retrieve my hands and push on his thighs to spread his legs.

I am dead serious this time.

Looking at him right in his ocean deep blue eyes, I thrust in him hard.

"Ngh!"

I cling to him even more, rocking both him and me always further, faster.

"Ah..."

Unable to restrain myself anymore, I blush deeper and clutch Nowaki harder each time a moan escapes from my own throat.

"Hiro-san! I'm... It's..."

His gasps sounds unusual, his voice different. I stop for one second to check if everything is alright.

I realize I was right to do so. To my great surprise, Nowaki is hyperventilating, his eyes widening, his nails digging in my arms. It is because he's feeling too good, isn't it? Or... I am slightly worried now. My eyes widen in disbelief and I pause my actions, waiting for some sign from him that he is fine.

Disbelief turns into irritation.

"Oh, come on, Nowaki... After all these times passing all your fancies, that is your answer? Don't you feel a bit... selfish?"

Nowaki chuckles at this and looks back at me in surprise. Still panting, he smiles again while regaining his affectionate gaze.

"No, Hiro-san... I trust you. It is just... this is so intense... I am breathless... I couldn't catch up with your pace... You are amazing... Hiro-san..."

Nowaki and his straight-forward attitude will kill me one day. If I still can't say the words that are so easy for him to repeat twenty-four hours a day, at least I can try these.

Burning from heat and embarrassment, his chest against mine, I mutter in his ear, in his neck:

"I... I trust you too."

I feel completely ridiculous by saying this and yet, Nowaki's smile widens once again while gazing quietly at me.

"Hiro-san... I love you."

OK, this time, I am the one who feels like losing the pace.

As if to regain the control, I come back to my initial position and pushes his legs apart again.

"Now, let yourself go."

I feel him relax completely at these words. Even though we have been living together for so long, it still amazes me how much he relies on me sometimes. When I see him like this, I hardly believe he could be so jealous a few hours ago.

Triggered by this unnerving thought, I thrust back, pushing myself in him as much as I can.

In fact, at the beginning, I was afraid of hurting him...

But he doesn't seem to care about it himself anymore.

"Ah..."

Silence has made its way. We don't tell anything anymore. We don't need to tell us anything anymore.

"I love you."

Nowaki is still repeating that to me after each thrust though.

"I love you."

He is raising his hands in my direction. His big warm hands. He slides them in my hair... Exactly like...

No, this time, this is Nowaki I want, and no one else will ever take his place, ever!

Angry at myself, I am speeding up.

"Hiro-san..."

"Let go!"

"Hiro-san..."

He's closed his eyes, he seems elsewhere.

My sight is blurring, I don't really know where I am myself.

"Nowaki..."

"Ah..."

"Nowaki..."

"AH!"

Our bodies arch backwards... And loosen at the same time.

I collapse on him, half-conscious.

Is it a dream or for real that at last I say the words?

"Nowaki... I love you."

He opens his eyes at once. He stares at me. Smiles widely.

No.

This time, this is not a dream. But I want to be sure.

Rising, dizzy, I look at him one last time right into the eyes before collapsing again:

"I love you, Nowaki."


	8. Chapter 8 : what's up doc ?

_**Hello, dear fellows readers and writers ! **_

_**I don't know what's going on with me but here it already is, chapter 8 !**_

_** Next chapter will be the final, the tenth will be an extra. Don't hesitate to make suggestions about it !  
**_

_**...**_

_**This time, I bet you'll be a bit surprised by the turnaround of situation :-D**_

_**As usual, please review !** _

_**Enjoy !** _

xxxxxxxxx

"Geez, they're here again."

We'd both agreed to go and see Hito-sensei one last time, to sum up the whole thing and to give her our thanks. Yet, we didn't expect to come across the same old homophobic couple who despised us so much before the first appointment.

Nowaki is worried at once about my reaction and doesn't wait before acting. Despite his efforts to remain discrete, I have understood his little game pretty well: while pretending to fly by the pile of magazines which are always spread over the coffee table before us, he is cautiously keeping them away from my reach.

I think that I have traumatized him a little bit when I assaulted him at Tsumori's.

To tell the truth, I must have traumatized myself as much as him.

This night in the hall was... pretty... wow, intense, I daresay. I still don't understand what the heck came over me to act like that. I would have drunk two whole pints of sake and I would have probably acted the same. It seems that all that Hito-sensei told me about me being too passive, added to the recent past events related to Akihiko,had really, _really_ gotten to my temper.

It's not like me at all to hit and to shout against a closed door, to assault someone and to smash him against the floor to make my point, then to... to... well, on the top of that -if I daresay- to go all the way, more or less literally...

At the same time, it's not like Nowaki either to become out of sight from jealousy, nor to panic down when getting overwhelmed. Until now, he has always accepted my very few moves with a calm, confident smile. So confident in fact, that it almost got me sometimes.

When I come to think to all that has happened lately...

Well...Let's say that these past few weeks, which were even more chaotic than ever, are only a short period from our lives.

My alarm-clock is back, at last.

He's as impulsive as always and unpredictable as usual, but I am getting used to it. And as far as I'm concerned, well... I haven't changed much, in fact. After that little craziness that I still can't figure out (_what the heck, for God's sake, took __over __me?_), my natural shyness has covered it up. Except when I get angry, of course.

So, for the next two weeks, we have somehow come back to our normal life.

A cough drags me out of my thoughts.

The old silly couple keeps glaring at us. I try again to throw back to them my most murderous glares too: the special counter-SMS attack, the special counter-Takahashi attack, and finally the counter-Miyagi attack. In vain, though. They seem to have immunized themselves since last time.

Yet... the counter-Miyagi attack should have been enough.

Geez.

Being myself, I don't dare to attempt anything else. I just fulminate on my chair, head down, clenched fists, gritted teeth. I'm running out of patience... And also out of ideas.

Since Nowaki and I made up, maybe even since we first met, a new feeling has, little by little, grown inside me.

Rebellion.

If only our society was a bit more tolerant, I'm sure that I would never have had -_we _would never have had- to get through all of these problems. I am not putting all the blame on the others. No, no, far from it, I am just saying that it has made things more difficult. It would only be because of the public opinion that I shun Nowaki's openness. And I will always be wary, no matter what the circumstance. To the extent that we can't even hold hands without taking a glimpse around first. I am tired of hiding myself -hiding _ourselves_- from the others.

I am and will always be embarrassed by Nowaki's public demonstrations of affection. He still hasn't got it and he probably never will. But recently, I've told myself that it may be precisely his _own_ way to fight against such inequity.

Unless he is so naïve and innocent that he doesn't see anything wrong with two men loving each other exactly the way a man and a woman do. It's more like him to think so. Nowaki is not the rebellious type, neither am I .

This is maybe why we still haven't shared our opinions about the status of homosexual couples in Japan.

But I have to admit we already had enough to deal with until now.

Well...

Anyway. These oldies are really getting to my temper this time. I am watching the pile of magazines like a samurai strokes the handle of his katana.

Time itself seems to hold its breath.

Silence gets heavier and heavier.

All of a sudden, I feel a hand seizing mine. This unexpected move makes me start.

"No... Nowaki ?"

"Let yourself go."

I've already heard that somewhere...

Nowaki is coming closer. I don't move from an inch, aghast. Finally, I turn my head to look at him. And I freeze.

His blue eyes are icier than that time when Nowaki believed me to cheat on him. I didn't even suspect that such a thing could be. Yet, it is definitely the old couple that Nowaki is targeting.

He keeps my hand in his. And puts them in evidence on his knee while pulling me against him.

I remain stiff. He could have warned me, I don't know, sent a signal asking me or something!

The two fossils are close to the heart attack. This last little game manages to get my to nerves.

But...Nobody else is looking.

Then, I relax and add my own murderous glare to Nowaki's.

After all, he's right. All the lovers in the world can hold hands without a second thought, and yet we couldn't even sit side by side?

Nowaki loosens his grip to cross his fingers with mine.

Although embarrassed and looking down, I tighten my fingers on his.

"Hello, gentl..."

Hito-sensei freezes. So do we.

Her eyes glitter. Oh no. The fan-girl is back.

As for the two oldies, they run away through the door she is keeping opened.

xxxxxxxxxx

So, here we are, in the beautiful blue green office, in front of our cups of tea, in the same awkward silence as during the first appointment.

Hito-sensei is pouring some tea, smiling widely. I swear, I can hear her singing.

Yet Nowaki and I are far from feeling all good.

"Err... Hito-sensei, we have come to tell you it will be our last encounter. Thank you very much for everything."

We both bow at her.

The therapist, still smiling widely, does nothing else but take a sip.

"When I saw you right before, I expected something like this."

No need to say more to get the awkward silence back.

"Therefore, many things must have happened since last time."

That's the least she can say.

"May I ask you what happened?"

We both expected and apprehended such a question. Nowaki and I are looking at each other, quite embarrassed. Unveiling to Nowaki that I came to Hito-sensei without telling him is out of question. As for Nowaki, he doesn't seem too keen to get back on the subject either.

He raises his voice again.

"Hito-sensei, please excuse us, but we don't want to speak about it anymore. Let's say that we have really discussed for once and that we... have cleared out things between us."

Hard to make it more vague, but I greet the effort and hope that our therapist won't take it too badly.

I glance at her, waiting for her reaction.

She looks like she's going to spring from joy.

Come on, you're a Japanese woman for God's sake! Please behave like one!

There is more, it's absolutely impossible to know what is going on in her mind!

"I don't need to know more! If you knew how glad I am to see you two agreeing with each other before answering me! This, added to your previous move in the waiting room is far enough!"

She fills our cups again. We are so silent in comparison with the previous appointments that we drink our tea much faster than usual.

"You know, I have been doing this for twenty years, and I have met many failing couples. I can tell. Rare are the ones who truly love each other. But in your case, I didn't have the slightest doubt about it."

She sits down, smirking.

"However, you're both so clumsy that I was wondering how long it would take to..."

I sweep the judgment. A number has caught my attention.

_Twenty years? _

Judging by Nowaki's face, he's wondering the same thing.

"Please excuse me, doctor, but how old are you?"

"Nowaki!"

Hito-sensei bursts into laugh at such an impolite question. I bet she's flattered, but still...

"I'm 47."

WHAT?

No... It can't be!

Miracle of nature, masterpiece of modern surgery or incredible work of make up? Or all three of them maybe? We'll probably never know.

The miracle clears her throat. When she speaks, her professional tone is back.

"Let's go back to the main topic. How would you define your relationship now? What about your communication problems?"

Nowaki glances at me. Does it mean that I have to speak? Gosh, he would have done perfectly well without me.

Ill-at-ease, I swallow before trying to answer. The shorter the better.

"Well, I'd daresay we trust each other much more. I have at last somehow managed to tell about something which has been bothering me for a long time."

"And what is it exactly?"

She doing it on purpose. She knows perfectly what it is!

"Part of my past whose importance I had underestimated 'til now."

And that will do. I don't want to let anything slip which could lead Nowaki to understand I have spoken to Hito-sensei before him, nor do I want to tell the whole thing countless times. No, really, enough is enough.

After a moment of silent, Hito-sensei turns back to Nowaki.

"What about you, then?"

He is crimson. I am wondering what is going on with him. He opens his mouth at last.

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, I got everything Hiro-san has told me. But..."

But?!

"But...I didn't tell him much in return."

He takes a sip of tea, before looking me right in the eyes.

"More exactly, I haven't yet."

His eyes are glittering, I wonder why. Good Lord, what is he coming up with, once again?

I am looking alternatively at Nowaki and at the therapist, as if I was expecting them to tell the answer. She doesn't look surprised by this mysterious turnaround. She remains indifferent behind her cup of tea.

"You'll find the opportunity very soon, with no doubt."

She stands up. We imitate her.

"Thanks again."

"Please, it was my pleasure."

I glance around the office one last time. When I think to all that has happened in barely three months...

While leading us to the exit, Hito-sensei confirms my thoughts.

"I have to tell you, I am impressed that you have improved so fast. In only five appointments, this is really..."

"Five appointments?!"

It is not me who has interrupted her, but Nowaki.

Hito-sensei bites her lips and turns crimson.

As for me, I am thinking like crazy. Three consultations in three months and a private appointment mean four meetings... Which also means that...

Anger gets to me once again.

...And once again, Nowaki is also faster that me.

"You came to her without telling me!"

I snap at him right back:

"You are the one talking!"

"Why the hell did you..."

"Because of Akihiko, you fool! To avoid _exactly_ what happened next!"

"Usami-san again! It's because of him that I..."

"U...Usami-san? Akihiko?"

Both of us stop at once, intrigued. Still standing next to the door, Hito-sensei slowly repeats the two names, one after the other.

One more thing that I _precisely_ wanted to avoid.

The knots are tied, excitation rises, and the therapist glows back from joy, jumping on her feet.

"You mean, _Usami-sensei_? THE most brilliant from Teito university? The youngest winner of the Naomori Award ? THE writer who won the Kikukawa Award four years ago ? The..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's him, thanks again and gooodb..."

I try to run away but it's too late. Hito-sensei is holding my hands with piercing shrieks. Nowaki instinctively retreats back from so much enthusiasm.

And I...

"Hi... Hito-sensei !"

"When I think you were secretly in love with him and that he's always ignored your feelings! A secret love for a future genius writer, what a story! As good as his books! What would I have done to read his first notebooks too!"

"W.. Wait..."

"What sort of kid he was? What kind of story he wrote? Was he as handsome as he is now? Was he so clever? In what kind of family has he grown up?"

"Nowaki, help!"

She doesn't let me go. I'm lucky that Nowaki intervenes before she tells everything from our private discussion.

"Errr... please excuse us, but we have to..."

She loosens her grip to assault him too, holding his two hands.

"Could I meet him? Could you help? I have all his books, I could recite them!"

Exactly what I was afraid of.

"Excuse-me, _doctor,_ but it is out of question! Anyway, next wee..."

"Please, please! I'll do whatever you want!"

"You've already done it, thank you very much."

"I... I'll make a special price for your next consultations!"

"Do you mean we may need your help again?!"

"But... No, sorry, what I meant is..."

"No, no, no!"

"Hiro-san, we owe her one, don't you think?"

For the first time since the fan-girl assault, Nowaki has opened his mouth at last. And his few words blow the place like a bomb.

Hito-sensei catches her breath, full of hope.

Traitor... he has a crush on her, I could swear! This time, I see red.

"Come on, Nowaki! Do you remember that we _paid _for it? We don't owe her anything! Plus, I'm not even sure everything has happened thank to the sheer power of Hito-sen..."

I shut up and glance at her when realizing what I am saying. She seems vexed. Yet to apologize to her is out of question. So what, after all, it is true !

I slow down and goes on :

"Whatever. Akihiko has been involved enough like that, I am certainly not going to embarrass him anymore. And he already has enough problems dealing with his fans, no need to bring him some more to his place!"

"Then you just have to introduce her as a relative. After all, you told me that he is the one who has encouraged you to get into the couple therapy, right? He may be pleased to meet her."

I remain silent and fulminating. That will teach me to tell him everything!

The so-called therapist doesn't even wait for me to answer.

"Oh, thank you, thank you so much! When will I see him?"

I throw the words grudgingly. I know I have already lost anyway.

"Tomorrow. To get over with it. And please promise you'll behave !"

But she frenetically bows at us and wishes us a good evening between two 'thank you's and three see 'you tomorrow!'s.

I am walking as fast as I can, my demonic aura glowing. Nowaki doesn't try to calm me down

Finally, anger is replaced by fear. I can feel a new storm coming.

This time, Akihiko is going to _kill me_!

xxxxxxxxxx

The day after, I am pushing the call button from Akihiko's place with a shaking finger, Hito-sensei shivering behind me.

"Hello, Usami residence."

"Hello, Takahashi-kun, this is..."

"Please come inside, he is here."

I was expecting Takahashi to open the door but Akihiko had come forward.

"So, Hiroki, do you have the blues ag..."

He suddenly pauses.

His eyes land on on the "young" excited lady who is stepping next to me.

And one more time, there's nowhere to hide. Therefore, I try to introduce her.

"Errr...Akihiko, you'll get it, this is..."

But she is not even patient enough to let me finish.

"Hito Mayumi, therapist, pleased to meet you! I have been taking care of Kamijou-san and Kusama-san for the past three months! I'm so glad to meet you!"

She bows frenetically again and again, glowing from joy.

"Kamijou-san told me a lot about you!"

Akihiko remains silent and motionless, as always.

He looks back at me. His grey eyes are as cold as steel.

"_Hiroki..._"

"I...I'll let you guys-!"

I try to run away but Akihiko grabs me by my collar before shutting the door behind us.

Nowaki, you FOOL!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, in fact, it hasn't been as terrible as I feared. Akihiko has just let the waterfall of questions dry out before offering her his brand new book for her to have it signed next week.

I almost believed Hito-sensei would hug us but she just thanks us copiously while wishing to us a nice week.

Well, this is what she means by '_to behave'_?

Sitting next to Suzuki-san, I am waiting with apprehension for Akihiko, who smokes in front of me in silence.

"Hiroki."

His baritone voice echoes through the living room.

"Y... yes?"

"Do not _ever_, you get me, _ever do_ such a thing again.

I bow at him, with burning cheek:

"S... S... Sorry."

On the front door, I turn back, hesitating.

"And err... for next week, is it still possible...?"

"_Possible_? After all that you've done to me?"

I shut up, tensed. Never mind. At least, I won't have to ask Nowaki.

But when I walk away...

"You'd better say it is _compulsory_ that you come!"


	9. Chapter 9 : confessions (2) FINAL

**_Hello dear fellows readers and writers !_**

**_Thank you so much for reading these lines, because it means that you've been all the way through the eight previous chapters !  
_**

**_I hardly believe I've written all of it for a bit more than a month...Guess I'm a bit too involved when focusing on a task for my own good..._**

**_Anyway "  
_**

**_If you feel like it, I'll write an extra. An independent little story which will be posted as the 10th chapter.  
_**

**_Tell me if you're OK with it and don't hesitate to make suggestions ! _**

**_This is the last chapter of the plot, your reviews are all the more welcome ! _**

**_Enjoy :-)_**

**_xxxxxxxxx_**

"Tweet tweet, tweet tweet, tweet tweet ..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming."

"Tweet tweet, tweet tweet, tweet ..."

_Click_.

I turn the alarm-clock off with a sigh. Such a thing is less stressful indeed, but I'll never get used to it anyway.

This thing is the latest of Nowaki's ideas about alarm-clocks. He came up with it just yesterday. Right after I told him that I didn't want him to wake me up his way anymore (before I get used to it too much).

The very evening of the same day, he came back with an alarm-clock with pre-recorded "natural noises". Four possible ringtones.

It has been the first morning ever since and I'm already tired of it. I have never understood this fashion to re-invent nature at home. I don't think that we are getting closer to nature this way. All the more that these noises sound very ridiculous.

Yesterday, I listened to all the ringtones. Several times. The waterfall makes me think of the toilets, the goat's bleat makes me start to the next floor even when I'm perfectly awake, and the ocean waves... well, let's say that it is no better than the waterfall...

That leaves the bird's song, which sounds somehow okay.

Nowaki didn't mean wrong, once again. What a clumsy boy... Well, I am the one talking. I didn't dare to refuse his present. I told myself that, after all that happened, it was the least I could do.

Anyway.

I stretch myself, ready to get up to have breakfast as usual, though this time, I can't hear any rustling nor smell any food.

While I'm stretching my arms, I bump into something next to me. I take a glimpse.

Nowaki.

...He's still asleep!

My first thought is to shake him awake but I stop just in time.

After all... He really should rest. I bet his crazy timetable at the hospital is taking the best from him. If he goes on like this, he will jeopardize his health himself.

But if we don't hurry up...

I am staring at his asleep face. It is such a rare occasion... I feel like making breakfast myself, but in comparison to Nowaki's meals, it sounds like a bad idea.

What about...?

What if, for once...?

A ridiculous thought is coming up in my mind.

I blush from embarrassment. Then restrain myself from laughing.

So what, why not?

Smiling deep inside, I slowly lie against him against him while sliding my hands along his body, from his torso to his hair, not to mention his neck, of course. He stirs at last.

My hands in his hair, snaking through the disorganized strands, just the way he loves them, I whisper in his ear, breathing down his neck, drawing a light smile with my lips:

"Good morning, Nowaki-san."

xxxxxxxxxxx

The usual melody announcing the end of the lectures is echoing for the second time through the corridors. I suddenly realize, with no reason, how much we rely on alarms and ringtones in our every day life...

Takahashi runs away like the others without holding back. I guess his last attempt to talk to me has definitely dissuaded him from coming to me and asking questions at the end of my lectures...

I sigh. I should have taken some effort with him, I suppose. This excessive strictness won't enthuse students into involving more in literature.

No, that's ridiculous. Only the best ones understand the meaning of my severity, and I give my lectures for them!

Takahashi should have understood by now, at Akihiko's side, right?

Well... At the same time, the way Akihiko keeps overprotecting him... he certainly won't learn the toughness of this world. Maybe he would learn by Akihiko's example? I snort. All evidence to the contrary in fact, I'm afraid. Akihiko would be the worst example. He regularly withdraws into himself and lives in a luxurious apartment, where he has surrounded himself with teddy bears!

That's what I'm thinking over and over, among other things, including the Saturday evening, while walking to the office. Well, well, I am really spacing out a lot today.

A brutal draft swooshes at my side and blows in my hair.

I turn back, intrigued. I just have the time to spot a Takatsuki flying in a flash to the end of the corridor. I can't even tell in which state he is wearing his shirt.

Gosh. Don't tell me they were caught red-handed for real, this time?

A little more worried than I would admit, I hurry the pace towards the office while trying not to run.

When I smash the door against the wall, I find a despondent Miyagi, a big dark cloud floating heavily above his head, books spread all over the desk and the floor.

I can't figure out since when, but it's been some time since he started throwing books around through the office when he is upset. I guess, I must have somehow rubbed off on him.

I don't dare to put my bag down nor begin to speak. Doubt is still burning inside me. Were they caught or what?

Finally, I raise my voice.

"Miyagi-sensei, I don't know what is going on, but if ever you've in trouble with the university, I will be here for..."

"What the hell are you thinking, Kamijou?"

He suddenly raises his head. His face is even darker than I expected. Nothing in common with his usual grin.

He stares at me with his dark eyes, frowning. He seems as annoyed as the time he had summoned me about the "Throwing-chalk-to-students" issue.

No wonder that I rarely give a hand after that...

Once again, I get irritated by such a turnaround of situation, but I don't give up. After all, keeping a cold and polite behavior towards my colleagues no matter what is still one of my trademarks.

"Excuse me if I misunderstood, but I just saw Takatsuki-kun running all the way. And when I come here, you're as silent as a grave. What should I think then? You've been caught red-handed, am I right?"

Miyagi googles his eyes. He seems both surprised and exasperated.

"What? Not at all! It's just this kid who is as stubborn as usual. Ha, youngsters, these days..."

Then, it was just the result of a _domestic squabble_? In the _university_?

Close to get angry, I smash my bag down the desk. Yes, indeed, it'll teach me to worry for the others!

As indifferent as usual to my feelings, Miyagi is looking through the window while lighting a cigarette.

"Because he's still a kid, and because there's a big gap between us on the top of that, he's obsessed with catching up."

Hey, that reminds me of someone, not too long ago...

"And at the same time, he never says anything, until he ends up throwing all the anger he has nurtured inside him at my face..."

Another thing in common.

"Will he never get that I love him the way he is?"

I am smiling despite myself while opening my bentô.

"If you feel like it, maybe I could recommend someone to you..."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday morning. Nowaki and I leave early to go to the attraction park in the center of Tokyo, next to the ferris wheel.

It was Nowaki's idea as a way to apologize for his previous behavior. I told him it was not necessary at all, but as usual when he wants to do something for only the two of us, he has really insisted.

Well, I owe him one too, all the more that he has accepted my invitation to Akihiko's signing event without a second thought.

I usually avoid this kind of place, which I find noisy and superficial, or else we would have been there already. But I knew that it would please Nowaki. I always see him as a big grown-up kid and he hasn't done much to contradict me so far. After all, the very first time we met, one of his toy rockets has almost crashed on my face.

His bemused gaze right after we leave the queue confirms my thoughts.

"Hiro-san, look!"

Head down, I glance at the spot he is showing to me and freeze from horror.

Mascots. Three of them.

A rabbit, a teddy bear, and one of this cute weird little creatures that the Japanese are so gifted to design.

Smiling kids are shrieking all around them whereas their parents are trying their best to prevent them from moving the time to take a picture.

Don't tell me that...

"Hiro-san, let's go?"

"I... What?!"

"Come on, it will be a good memory!"

"Out of question. I certainly won't in..."

But I found myself squeezed between the rabbit and the teddy bear before even realizing it, Nowaki's arms surrounding me. The photographer freezes a second before finding back his business smile.

"Cheers, gentlemen! Mister, at the front, please smile!"

In your dreams, old man!

_Click!_

The group disperses while I walk as fast as possible in the opposite direction, hunching my shoulders as much as a turtle, burying myself in my coat. A happy Nowaki is springing around me.

I snarl between my teeth:

"Easy, kid. Do not ever do that again, _ever._ Got it? Ne-ver."

Nowaki is humming, glancing around in the four directions.

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"What about the Russian mountains, now?"

Hopeless. Geez, children, honestly...!

Speaking about children, a whole class goes by next to us to join the queue for the bumper cars. Nowaki is staring at them, lost in thoughts. Though he's always been a bit childish himself, he's always been gifted with kids. No wonder whether he chose to heal them. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I haven't always desired to start a family too.

Yet, there's another kid I have to take care of right now.

"Hey, Nowaki, give the tickets, it's our turn!"

"Yes? Oh, sorry mister!"

The guardian for the stand takes the tickets while I am sighing.

It happens several times. Once our turn is over, and we are surrounded by noisy children (which is pretty usual in this kind of place), Nowaki can't help but space out.

Between two stands, I spot Miyagi and Takatsuki-kun, both holding an ice-cream in one hand. They really look like father and son. Miyagi waves at me before walking away with his little one.

At lunch, we pause to eat takoyaki. The afternoon goes calmer. We sit quietly at a table to have mochi with tea.

The pause I was waiting for since the beginning.

"Wait a minute, I'll be right back."

I stand up before a stunned Nowaki to walk to the artificial lake.

A few minutes later, I am back, holding a pack that I cautiously put on the table. He stares at me with wide eyes.

"What...?"

"Just open it. But be very careful."

More and more bemused each second, he slowly unpacks the gift and discover his content at last.

"A... A red fish!"

I had spotted a sailing stand right next to the artificial lake. I knew that he loves pets, I just _knew it_!

His smile gets wider and wider, stars glitter in his eyes.

"Happy birthday."

I can't help but smile when Nowaki shows me his bemused face.

"But... It is in three weeks!"

"I know. I just felt the circumstances were appropriate."

Nowaki's face brightens at last. He takes a closer look to the red fish.

"Didn't you tell me keeping a pet at home was out of question?"

I sigh.

"A fish is still okay. But that's _your _fish, so _you_ take care of it!"

He bursts into laughing at my frowning face.

And as I feared, he rises from his chair to hug me.

"Wait...!"

"Thank you, Hiro-san. This is the best birthday in my life. You can't even imagine all that it means to me!"

We go home by feet, to make the moment spent with only the two of us last longer. Nowaki is humming a song, holding his fish in its water pack.

"Hiro-san, how did you know my birthday? I don't remember ever telling you."

This innocent question gets my temper.

"Because you didn't let me know _on purpose_? I had to ask Tsumori and I'd rather not have to, believe me!"

I didn't want to search into Nowaki's private documents, that is why I found another way. But still, Tsumori didn't spare me his sarcasms and insinuations. Maybe because it must have been pretty suspect, the way we had perfectly tidied and cleaned his flat that day...

Nowaki and I are walking in silence, until he answers, embarrassed.

"Well, I didn't really want to hide it from you, I swear. It is just..."

He pauses to glance around him.

"What's the matter with you? You recognized someone?"

He stops and speaks with a very different tone.

"I've spotted a café nearby, shall we go in?"

"What?''

"There, we can talk."

"Why not at home? We're going to be late for Akihiko's signing. He made me promise to come at the very beginning."

"It's 6 pm, the signing begins only at 9. We've got plenty of time. We can get something to eat while we talk."

I am going to ask him what he is coming up with this time before recalling his words at Hito-sensei's. _I didn't tell him much in return. Or more exactly, not yet. _

Then, here we are? He will tell me everything at last? It's maybe today or never.

"Ok, let's go in."

The café is very empty for a Saturday evening. Which sounds pretty good to me after our crazy afternoon spent in the attraction park.

We sit before two salads and a pint of tea. I've had enough ice-creams, ramens and mochis for the whole year, I guess. Apparently, Nowaki feels the same.

He takes a sip of tea before speaking again.

"You know, if I've never told you anything about my past so far...That's simply because I have nothing peculiar to say about it. I spent my childhood in the orphanage. I dropped out of school to get the job at the florist to be independent as soon as possible. Not that I was ever mistreated in the orphanage. to the contrary, I think I've been very happy and I can never give enough thanks to the people who are taking care of the orphans there. I just wanted... well... I didn't really have any reason to live for myself, enjoy myself so much, be happy because I had someone who would always be with me, who loved me."

He pauses, lost in thoughts. I let him to his memories, stunned. I don't know what to say, therefore I shut up.

"I've never told you my birthday, because it is not really my birthday. It corresponds to the day I was found and welcomed into the orphanage. Then well, you know, I haven't really made a big deal from it until now. To the contrary, each year, it reminds me of where I come from, and all the memories resurface to my mind."

Geez... I'm frozen. How could I guess?

"Nowaki, I'm sorry... I shouldn't have poked my nose into it."

Nowaki smiles at the bottom of his cup. He raises his eyes to gaze at me. With a warm, blue-lagoon gaze.

"But today, everything is different. Even though it is not my birthday either, it doesn't matter at all. You have given to me a great gift and a wonderful day, which is far from over yet."

I blush at this last remark. I guess he isn't speaking about Akihiko's signing here.

Nowaki goes on while getting closer to me. I can't help but glance around us.

"You know what, even if you hadn't offered me anything, I would have been just as happy. All that matters to me, is to be at your side."

I am frowning once again at this innocent confession.

"In that case, we'd rather free the fish! I'm sure it'll be glad about it."

Nowaki sits back and grins at me with a playful smile.

"Too late, it's mine now."

Drat. I'm screwed.

"Hiro-san, from now on, today will be my birthday. All right?"

Under any other circumstance, I would have laughed at him and snapped back how ridiculous it sounds. But after all that he told me, I understand how important it is for him.

I also understand, at last, why he wants a familial atmosphere so much: his bentôs, his spontaneous and affectionate moves, the flat, the red fish, the children, the games...All that counts for Nowaki is related to the image he has of the ideal home.

I am the one who has to bring this to him.

Embarrassed, I look away to answer to him.

"If... If it is that you want."

His face is illuminated. I blush in return.

"Nowaki... would you also wish for..."

He looks back at me, intrigued.

"Yes?"

Should I ask now or later? After all that we have recently gone through?

No. I give up at the very last moment.

"Sorry, I'm a bit confused. I don't know what I wanted to say anymore."

Nowaki has obviously decided to believe in my clumsy excuse and smiles back at me.

"I understand. It's been a big day."

When we leave the café, he pulls me gently to him to kiss. As usual, I don't have the time to resist.

"Thanks, Hiro-san."

"You... fool!"

Two hours later, we are quietly coming to the congress building for the signing event, and remain silent until a question suddenly resurfaces in my mind.

"By the way, Nowaki, can you explain to me at last what was that joke with delivering home-made meals?"

"I'm sorry?"

"When you were at Tsumori's, I mean."

"What... Ah!"

He answers while looking away.

"Well, let's say... I was bothered that you would only eat instant noodles."

My turn to look away.

I hardly believe that he was so thoughtful, even though we were on the middle of our squabble. And yet, I know I believe it in my heart of hearts. It is so like Nowaki to do something so stupid... I mean, considerate.

When we reach the main entrance, I come closer to Nowaki.

Gently, I hold his hand.

And cross our fingers.

I bet that Akihiko is behind the big door, as indifferent as usual, that Hito-sensei is stepping from impatience in the queue, while Misaki is glooming at a corner.

As for the two of us, we will keep going on.

Hand in hand.

THE END


	10. about blue and pink (EXTRA)

_**Hello fellows readers and writers ! **_

_**Here is the extra at last ! It's quite different from the previous plot and brings more reflexion, while I did my best to remain IC. Hope you'll like it ! **_

_**Please enable me to dedicate this chapter to : **_

_**Druidsorcerer, my friend and sister in heart and spirit, for all her support and all the passionate and interesting exchanges we share**_

_**CerberusRevised, who has graciously allowed me here to use his idea of "The Beautiful Way" written by Pr. Kamijou (ref : The Spatula Test and the Uke Flu) and who I thank so much for his warm and thorough PM's depiste his busy schedule. Don't worry if you don't answer as quickly as you'd wish, I'm aware of it and I'll always be patient :) Please take care of you ! **_

_**KitKat3195 for her support and enthusiasm all along the chapters of this story, and also her warm answer towards my doubts about my abilities to write the extra chapter ;-)**_

_**araceli-kun for all her supportive reviews and PM. If you're still here, I hope you'll appreciate the shift :)**_

_**Edit 05/28/13 : all the updates are done, therefore the story is now officially completed :-)  
**_

_**Thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed, this means a lot to me. **_

_**Well...That's it I guess :'-) Here is the last conclusion of the story**_

_**Reviews are like sunrays in the morning for every writer, so I count on you guys ! **_

_**Enjoy !** _

xxxxxxxxxxx

"So, what do you think?"

Akihiko's gray eyes are gazing quietly at me. Yet I have known him long enough to perceive that he is more concerned than usual. All the more that I can't help but remain silent, still holding the sheets of paper with both hands.

We are sitting at a table with two cups of tea, in our favourite book shop, as we always do each time Akihiko wants my opinion one of his manuscripts. Though I have always supported him in his work this way, I can't help but greet my teeth each time it happens. The ! #$%^&* has me going through all his dirty fantasies whenever he doesn't use my name in them..

We both love this place for its quietness. It is quite small, but colorful: modern paintings (which are for sale too) are hung up on the walls, in front of the big glass panel which always illuminates the place, not matter the weather. At the other side, a few wooden shelves are waiting for the customers to pick into them. A sweet scent of old paper and ink (one of my favourite) floats all around and merges with the coffee flavour at the tea salon corner, where Akihiko and I are sitting. We have already spent so much money in purchasing books here that the owner of the shop offers the tea to us

Because of my unusual silence, the employee of the shop raises his head and stares at me too.

This is beginning to be quite embarrassing.

Finally, I open my mouth.

"I... don't know."

I keep my eyes fixed on the sheets I am still holding in front of me like a shield. I don't dare to look at Akihiko's face, because what _I know, _is what those few words mean to both of us. And that's terrible. Never, ever, in all Akihiko's career, have I said such a thing before. That I didn't know what I should say about his work.

Akihiko's voice remains equal:

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

I stiffen as I always do when I feel vulnerable:

"Precisely that: 'I don't know'! I mean, there's nothing wrong for me with the text, your style is as sharp and humorous as usual, the dynamic is good, the rhythm between action, introspection and description is well balanced, and..."

"So, what don't you know, then?"

I am blushing deeper and deeper. We're the only customers this early in the morning and I'm bothered that the employee will hear us for sure. But Akihiko won't care.

"Why... Why _women_?"

Nothing comes. Which means no good. I try a glimpse at Akihiko and start, though I really expected it. His cold steel look is back.

I make a first attempt to cool the man down.

"Is it an Aikawa request?"

"Yep."

Silence again.

OK. He's definitely mad.

I make a second attempt.

"But, I mean... she knows that you've never been involved with any woman, doesn't she?"

"Yep."

"And that your readers are fangirls, right?"

"Precisely."

"Precisely?"

Akihiko raises his lighter before remembering we're indoor. He puts it back into his pocket and finishes his cup of tea in one shot, as if he wished it would make him drunk.

"According to Aikawa's expertise, a non-negligible part of fangirls are lesbians, and the fanboys who would read my books would be nicely pleased with it too."

...

I finally open my mouth to emit the most stupid and logical sound that any Japanese is supposed to articulate under such circumstances :

"Eh?"

Akihiko looks away, crossed arms.

"Yep."

"But... I mean... you write BL novels. _Boys Love._"

"Thanks for the translation, I hadn't a clue about it."

"Why would lesbian women be interested in Boys Love? And why would straight fangirls accept a bit of Yuri?"

"And how would _I_ know?"

An awkward silence falls between us. I don't get why Akihiko should change what he has always done until now. I really don't understand Aikawa sometimes.

"As I said, the text is good. The only problem is that I don't know if your... erm... Yuri couple is realistic or not, interesting or not... you see what I mean?"

Akihiko takes the manuscript from my hands in silence, splits it in two and throw the papers in the trash.

"Hey!"

"You've said it. You don't know. Me neither. End of the story."

What a show. I perfectly know he has a save in his computer. Erasing it would have been more convincing.

"Aikawa will be stuck behind your back because of you being late again."

"I don't give a ! #$%^&*. I'll take a look at the books."

An hour later, we leave the library with bags in both hands. I didn't expect Akihiko to be so upset. No shelf has been spared. I bet we have won free tea for a lifetime.

Well... I can understand. Any homo BL writer would act the same at his place.

Aikawa... What a demon!

xxxxxxxxx

"Shitty weather!"

I am running under the rain as fast as I can without tripping. The wind is blowing in so many directions that umbrellas are useless. Clouds are so thick that it is as dark as night.

I finally rush into the Konbini, both to take refuge under the coming typhoon and to buy a few things for our weekend indoor. The typhoon is expected to strike tonight and won't let up until Sunday morning.

Soaked, panting, I stop behind the front door, hands on my knees, to take a breath and regain composure.

Nowaki is indeed a lucky man, despite everything.

"How is it ever possible to find a baby in such a storm, for god's sake?!"

I stand up and go back to shopping matters, holding Nowaki's list.

"Beer... Rice..."

While I am reaching for the fresh products, I spot a slender woman with long auburn hair, formally attired, who sounds awfully familiar to me. She is with another woman, very graceful, with long dark hair, similarly clothed, who I recognize at once.

_Hito-sensei?_

Hito Mayumi, the fangirl therapist Nowaki and I met a year ago!

This triggers my memory back. I suddenly remember the other woman.

_"Aikawa-san?"_

Aikawa Eiri, the fangirl editor from Akihiko's publishing staff!

A real fangirl combo! If they see me...

Both women are coming closer. Quick like a flash, I hide myself between the stacks of canned food. I can hear them stepping closer and closer... I turn my back and pretend to be fascinated by the corned beef shelf.

Thank God, they choose the other side of the shelf, which hides me from them behind a wall of cans.

Why the hell would Hito-sensei and Aikawa-san be hanging about discussing? I really hope it is not about Akihiko, or else I'll never forgive myself for having introduced her to him. Is she a kind of stalker?

Worried, I can't help but listen to her.

"So, what should we take, Ri-chan?"

_Ri-chan?_

"Please, Mayumi, not in public!"

_Mayumi?_

"So what, nobody's listening. There's nobody here. And you could be my sister anyway."

"Of course, sisters who behave like this, sure...What about the video-surveillance, then?"

"Come on, we're doing nothing wrong!"

W... Wait a minute...

"By the way, nobody's looking, right?"

"Yeah, but still... I don't really like it though."

Silence.

I can't help it. I pick a can from the shelf to peek at the women.

The two of them have put their arms tightly around their waists in a close embrace. Their faces are so close their noses almost touch.

_Hiiiiiiiiiiii!_

I grab my bags nervously back and run away from the shelf as quietly as possible despite all the emotions overwhelming me.

xxxxxxxxx

When I come home, with my shopping bags as soaked as I am, Nowaki jumps from the couch where he was watching the television.

"Oh my, Hiro-san, let me help you!"

I take a glimpse at the screen while Nowaki is unpacking the supplies.

"Seems like the typhoon will come even sooner than expected."

"Yes, a lucky chance you arrived now!"

Nowaki freezes, eyes down into the bags.

"Hiro-san... is there any chance that what I wrote on the list faded because of the rain?"

"W... What do you mean?"

"The only things in common with your supplies and my list are the beer and rice. By the way... Why did you buy corned beef?"

Oh, my. I was so upset and so hasty to leave that I took only short glimpses at the list while picking up anything that was near my hand.

My eyes stuck resolutely at the screen, I attempt to keep things under cover.

"Ahem... Sorry, they were... erm.. in short supply because of the typhoon."

Nowaki looks at the vegetables, probably wondering what he should do with them.

"Really? That's weird. Shops always plan these kind of things, typhoons are detected at least a week in advance, you know that?"

"Well, I guess they just... didn't."

I can hear Nowaki coming closer.

"Did anything happen?"

I wish I was as good a liar as Akihiko sometimes.

"No, nothing... Nothing important, really."

It is not important _indeed_. I don't even understand why I am so bothered about it.

"All the more reason to tell me, then. Since it's no big deal."

I blush furiously while opening a beer and sit down on the couch. I seize the remote and shut the TV down.

"All right, then! I just saw Hito-sensei in the Konbini."

Nowaki's face relaxes at once.

"Really! I wish I was here!"

"Don't be so hasty, you fool! Aikawa-san was with her, too."

"Aikawa-san?"

"You know, we met her at Akihiko's signing event last year. After our whole... therapy thing."

Nowaki furrows his brows a few seconds before beaming again.

"Ah, yes! The one who always helps Usami-san to keep his deadlines!"

More precisely, the one who always _harasses_ Akihiko with keeping his deadlines...But anyway.

"Yes, that's her."

"So, that's wonderful they became friends, then! I bet they met there ! How are they doing?"

"Well, I didn't chat with them, I just _saw_ them."

Nowaki's smile fades a bit, and he raises his arms in an interrogative gesture.

"So, where's the big deal, then?"

"I told you it was no... big deal. It just seems that they are ... kinda... involved together. "

Nowaki stares at me, as if he had not understood.

"Involved?"

"I mean, they are... _together._"

Apparently, erasing the difficult word doesn't make things easier for Nowaki. Who gets at my temper once again.

"Geez, Nowaki, you're so dense sometimes! I mean they are girlfriends!"

I've rarely used the term "girlfriend" before, and saying it with a plural sounds even more weird to me.

Nowaki raises his eyes a second, and then beams at me again.

"Really? That's great! I'm so happy for Hito-san! I mean, she definitely deserves to find happiness in her own life the way she takes care of other couples!"

This time, I am the one who stare at Nowaki. He will always, _always_ surprise me, no matter how long we stay together.

Though I should have expected such an enthusiastic reaction from the giant fool.

"Well... that's all."

"Why is it bothering you, Hiro-san?"

"It is not... _bothering_ me. It is just that a week ago, I read Akihiko's last manuscript, as you know, and that he was asked by Aikawa-san to include a Yuri couple in the plot. And now, I think I begin to get why... though... it still doesn't make real sense to me."

I stop, lost in thoughts.

Nowaki is spacing out too, lost in dreams.

"Ehhh, Yuri couple? That sounds definitely interesting. Could bring some spicy stuff and change the dynamics a bit."

At that, I raise my head, stunned.

"You know about _Yuri_?"

"So what? You know too, right?"

"N... No! I've never read anything about it!"

Nowaki looks at me in total bemusement.

"So... You've never read any of the mangas I have?"

"I never read mangas, you fool! And.. hey... wait... aren't they supposed to be shojo?"

Nowaki blushes at it and looks away.

"Well... Some of them, yeah."

I suddenly feel the anger rising, my aura glowing around me. I can't believe Nowaki is such a big pervert! Just imagining him looking at two women doing things while I am not around makes me sick.

I rise from the couch.

"You read _Yuri_ behind my back?"

Nowaki rises too, as if to calm me down.

"Hey, it is not behind your back, first, and again, what's the big deal about it?"

Again, there's no... _big deal_. But the idea that Nowaki might somehow be attracted to women strikes me in the face. I feel slightly betrayed, as if I was not enough for him.

"The big deal is that you read lesbian porn under-cover, you pig!"

"Hey, don't speak about Yuri without having read it even once! Some of them are very good, you know? And they are not... porn. Well... Some of them are, but those don't interest me."

At least, I'm relieved to hear that.

I go to the kitchen to warm some water for instant noodles. It is obvious to me now that we won't -Nowaki won't- cook anything, though both of us are starving.

So, Nowaki likes Yuri... I've always assumed that the mangas he kept on his shelf in our room were all shojo, but in fact, it is even more than that. But Nowaki is gay, right? I mean, I would have known it long ago if he wasn't...

Unless he is bisexual?

I mean, the way he looked at Hito-sensei at each of our appointments (ok, she sounded pretty gorgeous to _me too_), the way he encouraged me to introduce her to Akihiko as a favour...

My agitated mind turns back to Akihiko's words. Aikawa-san is not the kind of editor who would ask her authors to do something to satisfy her own fantasies. Well, in fact, yes, but she has always managed to do it in a professional way.

And yet I don't get why she asked Akihiko to write this. That's definitely not his world.

I go back with our warm noodles cups, and ask Nowaki while handing his to him:

"What do you find... interesting about Yuri anyway?"

Nowaki spaces out again, with a goofy smile on his face. Which doesn't reassure me the least since I can figure what he is imagining at the moment.

"Well... I was curious to see how it is the other way round, first."

Hey, the "other way round", wasn't it supposed to be straight couples?

"So, if you just wanted to learn 'how it works', then you have, right?"

Nowaki looks at me with a sad face. I scoff at myself. I should stop treating Nowaki like such a big perv sometimes.

"Come on, Hiro-san, it is like every other kind of story. Some of them are really good. Though there aren't so many Yuri's than Yaoi yet."

Too bad, I think. Then start. If what Nowaki says is true, then maybe it explains Aikawa-san's request. To increase the quantity of Yuri novels out in the markets.

I sigh and sit back, my noodle cup in hands.

"Okay, let's assume that there's some good stuff in it. But still... I can't see Akihiko writing it, that doesn't sound... right."

Nowaki looks at me with a look I've never seen before. As if he is ashamed of me.

"Hiro-san, do you hear yourself? You almost sound homophobic."

"Hey! I'm not saying _Yuri_ is not right, just Akihiko depicting lesbian couples!"

"Well, maybe he can, right? Aikawa has always been confident in his abilities."

You're not kidding. She forces it into him.

"Maybe it is precisely a way to raise a new writing challenge? Start something new?"

Ridiculous. I sweep the idea with a wave of my hand.

"I don't see the point in starting something new when that's something you don't have a clue about. People won't like that anyway."

"Well, Aikawa-san doesn't seem to think so."

xxxxxxxxxx

The days after, I keep thinking about it. The pen raised over my pile of essays from my hopeless non inspiring students, I drift to the subject again.

Nowaki is such an open-minded one... I didn't have a clue about all this Yuri thing. I sometimes feel like I really need to expand my horizons, all the more in my profession.

Have I ever considered female lesbian relationships before? Even when writing my book about same sex relationships throughout Japan's history, _The Beautiful Way_, I only considered... male-male relationships.

I have to confess, that maybe, somehow, I kinda feel ashamed about it. The title isn't from me. "The beautiful way" is a term which was forged by and for gay samurai, to express the purity of their soul and their virility in their way of love.

But now that I think about it, why should such a way be "beautiful" only for the men ?

Part of the rejection towards male homosexuality is because of the idea that one of the men assumes the "female" role. I can't scoff enough at such clichés, but things must be accepted the way they are: no matter how stupid this reason is, we are despised because of it. At least, samurai used to associate gay relationships with spiritual bounds between brothers, as equals. But now, such a strong symbol doesn't exist anymore.

Then, what about female relationships?

Even though I don't have a clue about Yuri couples, I can guess pretty easily. In fact, their situation must be even more complicated in our patriarchal society. Because, on the one hand, the idea of a woman penetrating another is as bothering as the idea of a man penetrated by another. And on the other hand, a patriarchal society disapproves that two women don't need any man, not to mention the refusal of procreation. Though, on this particular point, there are nowadays many ways to solve the problem... if only they were allowed.

Anyway.

The more I think about it, the more I realize there is not that much in common between these two same-sex relationships. Except their status regarding the law, I daresay.

But then, what about the obvious increasing success of Yaoi stories? How about Yuri?

This time, though I don't like to admit it, I must acknowledge I don't know enough. And yet, if I want to understand better and help Akihiko, I have to do more.

But...What the hell I am thinking? As if it was any of my business!

I have way enough work to do without caring about this lazy author, his deadlines and this fangirl editor of his !

Angry about myself, I go my back to my grading.

xxxxxxxx

"Eeeeeeh, Kamijou-san!"

I almost crash my pot of salted plum down when I meet Aikawa-san face to face. She's alone, this time, with two shopping bags hanging at both of her side.

I knew I should have changed Konbini to do the shopping...

"What a surprise!"

Yeah, sure...

But I regain my composure and bow.

"Hello, Aikawa-san. It's been a year already."

"Yes! I perfectly recall you and Nowaki when you introduced Mayu...Hito-sensei to me! I expected to see you earlier, you know, since you are so much involved in Usami-sensei's work! You and Nowaki can come whenever you want!"

"Well, that's very nice of you, but things have been pretty busy here and we don't want to disturb you."

_...and I don't want you to disturb me._ I correct in my mind.

"Come on, Kamijou-san, you never bother me. By the way...would you mind if we shared a cup of tea at my appartment?"

What?

"W...Well, as you can see, I am doing the shopping right now."

"I am almost done with mine, what about a cup of tea later?"

"W...Well, that's very kind of you, but I'd rather..."

"It would be my pleasure! In fact, I ask it to you as a favour." She stares at me, eyes wide opened from hope. I can't help but frown lightly at this sight.

Favour... is it? It means that Akihiko is doing even more trouble than I expected, then... All the more reason not to get involved into this mess.

"I... I'm sorry, but Nowa... Kusama-san is waiting for me, so..."

Aikawa's face lightens at the mention of Nowaki.

"Ah, Kusama-san? Then he has just left your place, I saw him at the florist moments ago."

Damned Nowaki and his numerous jobs!

"Well, in this case I see no reason to say no."

And I've never been so honest while answering an invitation...

xxxxxxxxxx

I freeze before ringing the doorbell. What if the two women were... erm... busy? I mean, my own sexual life being pretty active with that reckless perv of a giant, and knowing Hito-sensei high spirits, I can easily imagine anything happening behind a closed door... Even when you're waiting for a guest. I can tell.

I raise an ear, anxious. Nothing suspicious as yet...

I finally ring the bell.

"Hello, Kamijou-san!"

Aikawa almost slams the door while greeting me, rushing out the apartment. As delicate as ever. If I hadn't seen them in the Konbini, I would never have guessed she is the shyest of the two.

She leads me into her flat.

It is a very simple and yet spacious one.

A light cinnamon scent is floating in the air.

A few well chosen objects and colorful paintings are hung up on the walls, here and there, both modern art and traditional _ukiyo-e_. The colorful art items balance the white walls and black furnitures (both couch and shelves) in a very charming way. The whole thing is both refreshing, dynamic and peaceful at the same time.

I praise Aikawa's refined taste.

She invites me to sit down the black couch and disappears in the kitchen, before reappearing with the usual guest tea serving. When she finally sits down, she comes straight at the point:

"So, has Akihiko shown to you anything new yet?"

I feel ill-at-ease with such a straight-forward attitude but I decide not to lose any time too:

"I suppose you needed me to make a report about Akihiko's work? You know he is my friend, I respect his private life enough not to poke my nose into his work further than he allows me to."

"I ask nothing more than that, Kamijou-san. It is just that Usami-sensei is much more quiet and... dangerous than usual, these days, and yet the publishing staff and I have a huge amount of work to do because of this silence. He is so moody sometimes..."

I look away, embarassed as if it was a shame to confess.

"Well, I had to look at Akihiko's most recent piece of work recently..."

Aikawa raises her head at once with delight and surprise.

"So, he has begun it? What a liar... he told me he hasn't come up with anything yet."

I do my best to catch up my obvious mistake in telling her this. I don't want to deal with an angry Akihiko _that_ often.

"Well, it is true too... He said himself it was just an outline that he showed me."

Something is slowly coming up in my mind. Since she's so peeky, maybe I could take profit of it myself ?

" By the way... I wanted to ask you a few things about erm... the change you suggest. If you don't mind, of course."

Aikawa, apparently undisturbed by the obvious hint, takes a sip of her tea, crosses her legs, reminding me of someone.

"Yes?"

"Why... Why Yuri?"

She puts her cup down and folds her arms on her knees. I can tell by experience that it is a protective gesture.

"Well, as Akihiko may have told you, I thought it would be a nice way to satisfy most of the fans, while changing the dynamics and renew the interest from the others."

"He did tell me... about it. And even a bit more, in fact. He told me that you may have suggested that a part of his fans were lesbians."

This time, Aikawa remains silent. She would have spoken at once, I wouldn't have suspected a thing, but now the implicit confession is obvious.

A few seconds pass before she speaks again.

"I sometimes forget how close both of you are."

"Should I understand here that he shouldn't have told me about it?"

"No, in fact, it hardly matters. At least, it proves that he was actually listening to what I was saying." She finally grins. "Why this sudden interest in it, Kamijou-san?"

I immediatly look away to hide the sudden heat I can feel rising in my cheeks.

"I just realized while reading Akihiko's work that I didn't know a thing about this subject, and I wished to understand better since you are the one who came up with the idea." I keep a humble tone to express as much respect and discretion as possible, regarding the delicacy of the situation. "Could you...Could you tell me more about the reasons which brought you to suggest this to Akihiko?"

"Depends on what you want to know" Aikawa answers wisely.

My blush deepens.

"Well... first... What makes you think Akihiko would be able to write about it? You know about his orientation, don't you?"

"Well, after having caught him and Takahashi-kun red-handed, difficult to not know."

Really?! Knowing her, I bet she barged into the room without even asking... Anyway. I go on, while wondering if my body will stand such a sudden raise on temperature.

"He's never been involved with any woman, nor has been interested in any of them, you know that too ?"

"What do you want to say, Kamijou-san?"

"Well" I can't help but keep looking away, as red as ever, so much I feel ashamed to doubt about Akihiko's genius, "do you think one can write properly about something he has no clue about, despite all previous achievements?"

This time, Aikawa's look is obviously disdainful. I bite my lips.

"Don't you know anything about Yaoi, Kamijou-san?"

What a question...

"Well, since I'm the one who reads Aikihiko's work, I have a clue about it."

"No, you don't. Because most Yaois are written by women. And part of them are monuments in this category."

"Are there any... realistic?"

"What do you think?"

I guess it means yes... Hard to imagine for me, though. Unless the so-called Yaoi authors picks their ideas from some suggestive material, I don't see how they could...

Aikawa's lips open in an obviously condescending smile.

"What an innocent one you make, Kamijou-san... My point is, you don't necessarily have to know about something to write some good stuff about it."

I begin to grasp a few things. If most authors and readers are women, that means...

"But these women... I mean... write for women, right?"

Aikawa supresses a smile while answering to me.

"The main reason is to enable them to express their fantasies, to look at even more men, one always more attractive than the other".

I have a sudden picture of fangirls giggling while reading about Nowaki and me, eager to see more after each new episode. I snort in disgust at this thought.

Aikawa goes on, without any embarassment.

"Like the whole uke/seme thing... Though the whole thing is stereotypical, it is just a way to make their identification to the uke easier. Not to mention... I guess.. that such women are attracted by it because it is completely new for them."

"Yes. That applies for Yaoi. So, if you ask Aki...Usami-sensei to write something else..."

"I don't want the readers to assume that "Yayoi-sensei" is unable to write anything else but Yaoi, despite his pen name."

I agree that despite the meaning of it*, the play of words is obvious.

"I don't want the readers to have suspicions about his private life because of his writing either, since the pen name is definitely masculine. It would limit the amount of readers with time."

The public opinion and business world are like hell for artists and publishers.

"I also know Yuri is less developed than Yaoi nowadays. It needs more good material, a work of quality, and Usami-san is defintely able to do that."

This catches my attention.

"What do you mean, 'less developed'?"

"Yuri is still a very tiny subject in the world of manga and literature. Well, it is increasing slowly, in fact. And once again, women are the majority of the authors and , they expose themselves to be compared to their heroines, though of course, not only is it not necessarily the case, but even if they are lesbians, they don't always pick their stories from their private life. Since most of these women are either very shy or their readers very romantic...you may know that Yuri is even more stereotyped than Yaoi nowadays. You should see most of the drawings and plots. All shojo pink fluffy stuff...Exceptions are rare, though they exist, of course."

"Then, it means that as a BL writer, if Ak...Usami-sensei writes a bit of Yuri, he will somehow defend their cause without exposing himself, while satisfying his fans ?"

Aikawa-san beams at me.

"You get me."

I come back home, puzzled. This dialog with Aikawa-san was indeed interesting. I've always only perceived her as a fangirl, but she's definitely a militant here. I didn't expect her to be so respectful and to know that much about homosexuals and the gay culture. It has changed my opinion towards Akihiko's fangirls.

Seems that I've made my mind.

xxxxxxxxx

"Akihiko, I've thought a lot about your issues with your work, and, erm... I think you should take it."

He looks at me with his steel cold eyes.

"_What_?"

Deep inside, in fact, I am smiling. Not only because I am taking my revenge for all the humiliation Akihiko made me endure while depicting me in all those positions in his BL novels, but because I feel like teasing two more people now.

"Listen, I have something to suggest to you. What if one of the women was a successful lead editor and her girlfriend an expert in couple therapy. You begin by portraying their relationship in a Konbini, where they don't know that..."

xxxxxxxxx

"Good evening, Hiro-san!"

Nowaki's smile fades at once when he looks at my face.

"Oh, my, what happened to you?"

"Err... Nothing. Just a book."

I guess the bump is pretty big. Now I know how it feels when I throw books at people...

"What happened?"

"I just said to Akihiko to get into his Yuri writing. He took the news pretty badly, but.. I think he'll take the advice anytime soon."

Nowaki looks at my face with obvious concern and comes closer, his hands raising gently my head up to take a look at the bump.

"Doesn't look too bad... How do you feel?"

"Good.. I suppose..."

Nowaki pulls me to him with both hands and hold me in a close embrace.

"Then, forget about Yuri, let's have a bit of Yaoi here..."

He pulls my shirt while I'm blushing.

Looking away, I articulate before he muffles my words with a kiss.

"You fool..."

THE END

***For readers who don't know, Yayoi, Akihiko's pen name, means "March", but it's awfully close to "Yaoi" when you say it, isn't it ? ;-)**


End file.
